Question: Dear Luise: How can I deal with the pain of my Mom’s death? Luz
Answer: Dear Luz: We have to deal with the pain of losing a loved one very, very slowly. They are with us and then, suddenly, they aren’t. Even if there is a long illness, and we think we’re ready, most of us find we were sadly mistaken, and “ready” is the furthest thing from our experience.
“Slowly” does not work well for most of us. We hate it. The pain is just too terrible to have to drag it out. However, that’s the way we adapt and learn and move on, slowly. We have to start out feeling the awfulness very honestly. People often try to by-pass that, only to find that denial usually makes it worse.
No matter what our spiritual beliefs, after death the person is not with us in the physical, material way we were used to. The instant absence of that physical being, the person that we knew so well, is a loss beyond our comprehension. Still we need to feel it acutely and strongly and honestly.
Where Moms are concerned, we have known them since we first drew breath. They’ve been the one constant in our lives…the glue
Moving through a loss has a course, like a river. It has a current and it takes you someplace. The loss never “goes away” but our experience of it goes from shock, to despair, to a kind of “getting familiar with it” feeling that eventually becomes acceptance. None of this can be hurried up. It’s a slow process. There’s that word again.
Everyone has a different way of dealing with the death of a loved one. I take a large pad and write to the person…constantly at first. I have lost many dear souls in my long lifetime. At their passing I write to them and pour out my feelings. Then I write back what I think they would say to me, if they could, and I take comfort from that. My way isn’t everyone’s way. You will have to experiment to find out what yours is. Some people take walks and have talks. Some connect through prayer and meditation. I honestly believe that the person “lost” is just a thought away.
It takes time to rearrange your life and get used to not having your loved one available. Give yourself that time. There are grief counselors, if you want and need outside help. Also, some people go to www.emofree.com for techniques to help disburse the build-up of emotional pain.
The bottom line is that we want to love others with all of our hearts, and when we do that, separation is going to be experienced as devastation for most of us. Love is natural, and so is loss. They go together. Blessings, Luise