Establishing Exclusivity

Question: Dear Luise: I’ve been seeing this girl for almost two months, and I find her to be incredibly special. I want to ask her to create an exclusive relationship with me but I just don’t know how to go about it or what to say…or if it’s too soon. Do you have any words of wisdom to offer me? Thank you. John P.

Answer: Dear John: This kind of timing is always very difficult. For some couples it would be way too premature and for others, perfect. I can read fear between the lines, like you think you might tip the applecart if you approached her too early or too late. No wonder you’re uncomfortable.

How about this, why not ask. I’m not suggesting you ask her to commit, just ask her if she has any idea when a couple should address the issue? Tell her your concerns and ask her if she has any. Wouldn’t that be a wonderful way to start a pattern of joint decisions and joint brainstorming? Why should it be your call or hers/? Why not discuss it and see what you come up with together?

Probably the lack of honest and open communication is one of the most serious weaknesses in relationships and is responsible for most of the havoc. I know honesty is often seen to be the thing that is the most lacking and maybe that’s right…but if you don’t talk and share your individual positions, how can you compromise and become a winning team? How can you even convey honesty if you don’t talk about things?

I suggest you set a president right now. You don’t know if this is the woman for you. You do sound like you feel that she might be. Why not tell her that? Why not find out if she is on the same page? Can you see that a guessing game is going to develop if you don’t? Let her know how special you think she is and then get her feedback. How special does she think you are?

Take it to the next level after that hurdle is past. Ask her for her opinion on exclusivity. Find out if she thinks it’s something you should be heading toward and when. Tell her how you feel and compare notes. I think even though it may sound scary that it would quite possibly serve you both and get you off on the right foot.

Have you thought that perhaps she is agonizing over the same questions you are and is afraid to ask for the same reasons? Why not test the waters and see what’s you’ve go going? Blessings, Luise

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