Question: Dear Luise: I have a live-in boyfriend who never seems to get to where he wants any more than that for us. It’s been over a year, now. I thought that when we had our “anniversary”, he would say something but he didn’t. This is not what I want. I felt we were on our way to a commitment, and that’s what I really want. How long should I wait this out? Linda R.
Answer: Dear Linda: How long have you got? It’s my guess that either your boyfriend doesn’t know that you are waiting or he doesn’t care. What’s your guess? And why are we guessing? Why not ask him?
Are you afraid to bring it up for fear he will bolt? If so, what will you lose? The man who leaves when the subject of commitment is brought up isn’t really commitment material, is he?
Do you really believe that you will wake up one morning and he will be different? What often transpires in these cases is the hope that somehow that’s exactly what will happen. The plan is that he will like the arrangement so much that he will want to make it permanent. Isn’t that true? Or you may be hoping he will grow up while in a live-in situation…which will ultimately produce the same result.
Such suppositions are often fertile ground for boyfriends who want to retain that title, not “advance” to being husbands. Living together is easy-sex and they stay as long as nothing more is expected of them. That’s not always true. Sometimes it unfolds just the way you’ve been hoping it would. I don’t hear much about such cases because people don’t write to me when all is well.
Do you see that I am not the one to ask? As I mentioned at the beginning, you need to ask your boyfriend about this. Clearly. Point blank. Before you do that, you’d better be prepared. If he’s ready, why hasn’t a ring appeared by now and why isn’t he bent on getting you to the altar before you get away? Be prepared for him to be “surprised” and vow that he thought you were totally happy with the present arrangement…indefinitely.
Here’s hoping I’m wrong. I would love to be. Blessings, Luise