Question: Dear Luise: I would like to know how to tell for sure when a marriage is hopeless. I sometimes am sure mine is past redemption and at other times, I think maybe things will work out. I can’t take any action because I’m not sure what to do. How can I tell if my marriage is over? Luella
Answer: Dear Luella: It sounds like you are going to need some counseling. Fence sitting can get pretty old.
Is your husband willing to work with a professional to sort this out? That’s the best way to go, of course. If that won’t work and you have to see someone alone, then do it.
Everyone has different expectations about what marriage has to offer and what it will take to make it work. It’s time for you to review yours and, if possible, see what’s going on with your mate. What were you looking for separately and together when you started out? How far are you off the mark now? Are both of you unhappy or is it OK for one of you and not OK for the other?
Talking with others usually doesn’t help much because it’s your marriage, your guy, your future and your hopes and dreams. They’re custom tailored.
You indicate that you have times when you think you will weather the storm. That’s encouraging. I often hear from people who have no doubt at all, not for a moment, that’s it’s over and has been for ages…as in dead. Can you build on those times that work for you? What’s going on when all is well? What happens when it falls apart? Is there anything you can do to strengthen your bond? How hard does your husband want to work on it?
I honestly don’t think there are any perfect marriages. That would require two perfect people. Give me a break! So, you are going to have some disappointments and troubled times. They come with the territory. Only you know if you are mature and giving, and have tried your hardest. And only you know if that’s simply not enough. When you work with a counselor, the decision won’t be made for you. It’s still going to have to be your call. Blessings, Luise