Question: Hi. Dear Luise: so i am really confused. theres this guy, and we met on a missions trip last year. there was immediate attraction for both of us. at the time we did not exchange phone numbers but we did exchange facebooks. we kept in contact and ended up going to a christian camp together that summer.we became really close. hes my best friend. our friendship grew and i realized that I liked him. I have made a commitment to not date for a year and focus on God so he and I cant date. he understood my commitment and said that he would wait for me. 4 months later he was dating another girl. they only lasted a month and he broke up with her because he wanted to wait for me. its been a month since then and then he got into an inappropriote relationship with a girl in his school. it was really far. and he didnt say how far but that it wasnt sex. he told me (which i give him points for, because i never would have known). and then he stopped. he said he loves and is very sorry for breaking my trust. he seems truly sorry. he wants me to believe that he loves me. but i dont think that I can after all that. Am I in the wrong? do I trust him? what do I do?? A.
Answer: Dear A.: The guy likes you and it sounds like he want’s to be in a relationship with you. However, what you have done is to make your own personal commitment and then, after the fact, (If I understand you correctly) you have advised him of the consequences. What could he say? How can he argue with such a lofty plan? And, be honest, haven’t you pretty much expected him to abide by it?
The way I see it, that’s not partnership. Your decision is being forced on him and it obviously isn’t working for him. I doesn’t seem fair to me. You would have been kinder if you had ended it by letting him know that your priorities lie elsewhere at the present time. Then if he is still available when you area available again, you could look to the future without making him feel like a failure in the meantime,
I would think that by now, he would also have trust issues with you because he wasn’t in on it. He was discounted. You have the right to make your own plans and should, but when you are in a special relationship with another person… the way you have gone about it leaves a lot to be desired. It doesn’t seem loving to me.
It sounds like you have a lot in common and might have a good thing going but you are going to have to be on the same page. Love and marriage work that way, you know, so you might as well get started on developing the negotiating skills that involve kindness, respect, consideration and compassion. Blessings, Luise