Question: Dear Luise: My husband is very lazy and immature. He has very good people skills and everyone loves him. However he had an emotional affair with an ex-girlfriend that he dated for 6 years. They talked online and he became very disrespectful to the kids and I. Not name calling but just blaming us for the least little thing and acting in a bad mood if he had to see me. I think he never got over this girl. I caught them talking on the computer. He ended it with her> She divorced her husband. The letter he sent her did not say he loved me only they were to have no contact. He still acts as if he loves me for being the mother to his kids but I don’t believe he is in love with me as a wife. Sometimes he is rude in front of other people. For example,, he wants me to constantly serve the guest and tries to tell me what to do so that they can talk with him. If someone starts to talk to me he looks at me and says are you going to go get those drinks? Like I have already asked you. When I confront him on his immaturity he says he is sorry and situations still come up where he does things again. He just tries to say well I was tired or well I just wasn’t thinking or they kids had my nerves frazzled. I know I can’t change him so I feel like divorcing him as he doesn’t do this to other people. He just says sorry to appease me I believe. Our lives are very stressful. The other woman did not care if he didn’t grow up and thus they had a great relationship. She broke up with him and now wants him back. He was obsessed with her. I am almost to the point of saying she can have him! N.
Answer: Dear N.: It is really easy to be crazy about someone you don’t live with. Email also allows us to pretty much make a person up. Meanwhile at home, novelty and fantasy fall by the wayside, life happens and changes come about. You are both maturing and change is part of that. You didn’t marry a perfect guy and it doesn’t look like he is moving in that direction. His treating you like a servant is a good example.
The other side of the coin is that your husband didn’t marry a perfect person, either…but he still seems to find value in hearth and home, if not romance. That doesn’t mean you don’t get to choose and there is no choice that doesn’t come without cost. Staying is hurting you…leaving will hurt others. I think I would pass on entertaining but you may not want to. Talking about it hasn’t improved your status and his excuses are getting old, I know. Many of us have our breaking point where “it’s couples counseling or I’m outa’ here.” I know I did. He said no.
For a long time I just kept weighing pros and cons but nothing changed and I saw life ahead of me as more of the same, which it probably would have been. I look back now and know that my peace and joy come from within. Does that mean I should have stayed? Not necessarily. I’m not sure I could have gotten to this place, if I had…but I “might have.” The question remains unanswered, of course. Each one of us has to come to our own decision and follow through on it in our own way. That involves facing the consequences that will always surface, no matter what we do. Blessings, Luise