Question: Dear Luise: My daughter in law in nice to me when I visit them at their house, but when i leave she talks about me to everyone. She turns the issues around to her benafit. She evens lies to her husband about things we have questioned. The other day there was charges on his checking acct for things that I thought might be fraud. I told her about them and said they might want to check with the bank. She acted like she was worried about them and could not imagine who could do such a thing. When I left she called her grandpa and said I was mad she put those charges on there and they were school charges (she just finished LPN) and he said he would take care of them, making me once again the bad person. She told the samething to her husband. I called them up and they were for games she was playing on the internet. We have helped our son out as much as we can in expenses to get his house bought and so forth. He believes her, evenif I call it up on line and prove to his where the charges are to. She has everyone on her side of the family thinking I am an evil person when I would do anything for them. They have a son that I cannot see unless I go to there house to play with him, but complain when we have our other grandkids. When I stop there to deliver something and he wants to come with me they always make an excuse. He is over 3 years old and I hurt so much because I am 54 years old and would love to spend time with him like other grandparents can do. My son would let me except he doesn’t want to make her mad. I cannot replace the years I have lost with him and don’t know what to do. I only want to make every body happy and not interfear with there marriage but I don’t want to be deprived of my grandson. Please point me in the right direction. We live in the state of ohio. J.
Answer: Dear J.: I would say, right off the top of my head, to stay out of their bank account. Your son has chosen the path he is on and has to learn how to deal with it in his own time and in his own way. If he condones your DIL making the rules, pulling the wool over his eyes, telling lies, gossiping and getting others to pay for her financial indiscretions, those are all his issues and you can’t help him grow into his adult role. I know the worst one is how she controls their child and the time you spend with him…but it is your son’s home and these are things he has to work though…or ignore and pay the consequences down the line. It’s out of your hands.
The best place I know of to work on your situation is on my Web-forum: www.WiseWomenUnite.com where you can have the benefit of talking with others who are up against the same or similar situations. Come on over. Blessings, Luise