Question: My husband died 4 months ago and I have had a terrible time with it. His best friend has helped me a lot and we are very close. All of a sudden I have a desire to have a sexual relationship. I hinted and he told me he definitely wanted to. I am afraid it will ruin our relationship or I will fall in love and he won’t. Maybe he just wants sex and I have never done that. I told him I was scared and worried and nervous. He is not. I feel weird but still can’t quit thinking about it. What should I do? M.
Answer: Dear M.: I think it was probably too soon to “hint” to your deceased husband’s friend that you were interested in him sexually. On the other hand, it may have been wise to get those feelings out into the open so you could both take at look at what was going on.
You have both had a huge loss. You are supporting each other in going through that loss and in the process you have become closer. Feelings that are so intense can easily be translated into sexual feelings. For instance, you may be feeling needy and he may be feeling protective.
However, that doesn’t mean it’s a good time to act on those feelings. Life is complicated enough without bringing in the guilt factor. And you would both feel disloyal. If at all possible, talk about this with each other and then table it. Agree to come back to it in a year, if you are both still interested…after you have built some stability.
You need to get past the time when you might possibly want to fill the empty place left by your husband with the first available, (I hope he’s available), man and your husband’s friend must get past the same possibility of seeing you as the closest to the real thing as he can get. Right now, all of your feelings are raw and confusion may be a big part of it.
Build mutual respect and a solid friendship, for now, and let the rest go, (for now.) Blessings, Luise