Question: Dear Luise: As I walked away from her…Part of my soul remains. The “me” who buried my Mother a week ago today…did not survive. Now I must fill the shell of what is left of “me”. It must be filled with what was the best of her. How can I find the courage to do it? K.
Answer: Dear K.: One week later is too soon for courage from my experience. One week later is survival. Breathing in and breathing out.
Your mother was born to die…so was I and so were you. We live and we perish. I have no idea why we can’t incorporate that knowledge into our reality but for some reason we simply can’t. I have known people of many belief systems…some of whom were quite cavalier about death until they had to face their own impending demise or that of a close, loved one. Then, except for the most seriously committed to “knowing”, it all went down hill from there. I’ve even seen those few bend and break.
I wrote to my mom when I lost her. I had things to say and a relationship I was unwilling to let go of. I journaled of hurt and anger and loss and despair. After a while my anguish started to lessen…not my sense of loss, but my deep sickness over it (for lack of a better word) and I began reporting my daily experiences. Eventually, I started writing answers back to me from her. I knew it wasn’t “automatic writing” or a “voice from beyond” but I also knew what she would say to me. I was 27 when I lost her…that was 58 years ago and I occasionally still write to her and “hear back.” I don’t know if that would work for you. It literally saved me from the emptiness you describe so clearly.
It isn’t my experience that I die with the person; that my Light is extinguished when theirs is…even though I have wished a few times that it were so. I have, since losing my mom, lost many loved ones, including a new-born son, a still-born son and my 52 year-old son. My husband is 100 years old and he will be leaving soon. We all experience death in our own unique way. But, honestly, when someone tells me they understand death and have a handle on it…I’m happy for them but/and I am not remotely interested in what it is that they have made up.
Because this subject is so universal, I am adding it to my new Website, www.AgingWithWisdom.com. There will soon be a category there under End of Life Issues where we can dialogue beyond the question and answer venue offered here. Please consider watching for it and coming over. Blessings, Luise