I Can’t Stay and I Can’t Go

Question: I have just read a ? about a woman husband being a flirt. It was an echo of my relationship w/ my husband of 40 yrs. I just want to know ( in your 0pinion) if u think my husband loves me by what i am going to tell u. Before & after we were married he has flirted with my family members, friends , ladies from our church…said suggestive things to ladies right in front of me & even stared at women with me right there and ASK ME if I knew their name. He has never supported me in anything. He lets his family talk about me in a horrible way because I am not a Catholic & they are. He lies to me whe he dosent even have to ??? BUT (He )_has called me a liar in front of a secretary he was messing with because I accused him of messing with her & he said ” your crazy…she’s uigly. So I told her on the phone and he was there & yelled in the phone to her…” Thats a lie, Cindy…I never said that.i have left him for months, he ends up calling me after along time & threatning to harm himself & I end up coming back cause we have 2 married sons & I could not live with myself if he killed himself. I would feel responsible to our sons. I have begged & cried for yrs and he promises to change but after 40 yrs. Hmmmmmm ? He says Im making a lot out of nothing. Believe me this site doent have the room for me to finish with more details worse than what Ive already said. Please give me your opinion,,I am about to have a nervous breakdown from him and I need help. We have both counseled with pastors and I am  NOT saying I want to fix our marriage!!!!! I dont , I hate him and wished i had the funds to make it on my own and could leave once & for all. Please answer even if u do PM…..Please…S.

Answer: Dear S.: Yes, I think your husband loves you. I doubt he can help how he is and he probably doesn’t think it has anything to do with you. It isn’t anything you are ever going to understand. I bet he doesn’t understand it himself. It’s just how he is.

I you feel you can’t leave then there needs to be a way that you can stay without the stress of so much anger. That’s going to harm you. Hate only hurts the hater. The truth is that it really doesn’t have anything to do with you.  Can you see that? It’s about your husband and is probably about his own inadequacies and how he has to deny them. Can you reframe his behavior in your own mind? Can you see him as disabled? He is, you know.

Those are the options I see if you are going to stay. Think of yourself and your survival and think, do and, yes, be…someone separate from his mortifying antics. Protect yourself and stop accusing him of anything…it only makes things worse. Picture him as crippled and in a wheel chair and be as kind as you can. Blessings, Luise

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