Question: Dear Luise: The girl that I had been dating ended our relationship saying that she was in panic mode. We had a very good thing going for several months. She said that she realized that she loved me but could not commit b/c it made her feel uncomfortable. Now she refuses to talk to me or about what happened. I think b/c of her rough past (parents died an untimely death, failed marriage) – she’s jaded against a future with anyone who might care for her. I have since let her go, but now I can’t stop thinking about her. I’m going crazy – Tried everything to stop! I have this strong feeling like this one should not have slipped through my fingers. I don’t know how to handle it? Now I feel all the coulda, woulda, shoulda feelings and know there may be no closure in sight. Any suggestions on what I should / could do? Do I attempt to get through to her? This has really negatively affected me! J.
Answer: Dear J.: The kind of breakup you describe is often worse than a death because death isn’t on purpose and abandonment is. When you feel that you have a good thing going and your partner decides to end it…what else can you call it?
There isn’t anything you can do. Any further effort to try to get through to her seems unwise to me. She made her decision and you need to honor it. It may have been a wise one if she can’t get past her issues. You never would have found any peace in a relationship like that. It offered no security.
To you, ending it probably seems totally unnecessary and therefore the process of moving on is a painful one. I don’t know of anything that will help except time…and when you can find a way to go there, new faces and new places. She didn’t really slip through your fingers. You never had her.
It always sounds like a platitude to suggest something wonderful…somebody great…is right around the next corner but that’s probably true. You may look back on this and be really glad you were available when the right one shows up. Blessings, Luise