I Can’t Forget my First Love

Question: Dear Luise: ! really hope you can help by shedding some light on my issue. My situation is similar to Lisa’s – Soulmates married to other people. I am in need of emotional help. I met my Soulmate when we were 17 years old. That was 10 years ago. Due to immaturity from both sides and pressures from my family, it was an on-off relationship. After about 4 years of going out I ended it and moved to another country. We were trapped in a vicious circle of love and hate. There hasn’t been a day that passes that I did not think of him or wonder if he’s OK and happy. At that time when we were going out he had caused me so much hurt that every time I wanted to go back I remembered the hurt and I would stay where I was. A.

Answer: Dear A.: Meeting the right person at the wrong time can be awful. Some can handle it but I don’t think most of us can. We can even start to wonder if it was actually the wrong person that we met at the right time!

We think we are pretty smart at 17 and then when we look back, we are amazed at what we didn’t know. I am 82 and I can still look back ten years and see that the same thing is still true. Life is a process.

I would like to suggest that the guy is probably not who he was at that time any more than you are who you were. You’re stuck in a time warp. He may be more now or less…or both. Nothing’s the same. So what you are dealing with is memories that are not very reliable and a present that is unknown…where he is concerned.

It’s very easy to romanticize in your situation…to idealize and fanaticize. When we marry we get into the “nuts and bolts” of life…the day-to-day plodding and routine. Most of us have to deal with unromantic issues and problems. Past relationships can take on a glow all their own when they are not tested on a daily basis where growth takes place.

A Soulmate can be a teacher that comes into your life for a time. Look back at all of the hurt during those four years. It sounds like it was really difficult. The kind of pain you describe must have been pretty bad for you to break it off permanently and relocate. Congratulate yourself for the self-respect that motivated you to end it. That may have been your lesson.

When you can face the fact that you are living in the past, bring yourself into the present to see what you can do about that. How can you improve it? How can you give more of yourself to your situation and resolve the issues at hand? Putting your energy into living in the present will revitalize you. Blessing, Luise

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