Question: Dear Luise: I have two grown and spoiled kids – my son is 41, and we always got along – and my daughter 36, and in Chicago making her own way and thinks she hates me too. The “reason” my son suddenly hates me is that he never used to drink beer and wine – but has been for a 3 or 4 year period of time, and Dr. has him on Zoloft for his OCD – and he lives with a really un-classy girl who was a “Suicide Girl” – they always were coming up to see us about twice a month, and got this chihuahua dog and we have cats and live in a large Mobile home on a Farm – and the cats do NOT go out – Well, they brought their doggie up here many times and twice it happened: the most terrible thing (??!!) the dog came home with A FLEA on it and she went crazy and I think that, because he needs to be in a more populated area to get a job (been laid off for as long as his unemployment would allow) and suddenly he called and warned me whispering – that all “hell” is breaking loose because of the one Flea on the dog…and she the dog – was not outside except when he was sneaking out to drink more beer and taking the dog for walks – and now we have this horrible thing happening where he has spoken horribly to me, and I had NO Christmas OR birthday – OR Mother’s Day cards from wither my daughter in Chicago – who knows better, OR my son who is in Allentown PA just about an hour away from us here. He ranted and raved on me and said everything hurtful over and over again and I was harangued by his gf who was sending me research on fleas (which we do NOT have many of around inside – at all – but of course they are outside and we DO use the Strongest flea meds on our cats and that dog pees all over our rugs and the gf never even offers to clean up – SO, I am terrible and he says he hates my “anecdotes” and all kinds of lies he doesn’t even know what he is saying – just terribly hurtful – and I have been told to “let go” but We are Disabled and just lost my Mother who spoiled him over my daughter who told me she felt terrorized by her brother all her life – now SHE isn’t even speaking to me either – and we had no bad words – just because of her brother – and I know they both lie. This is just SO HARD FOR ME – because I have no other Family to inherit anything – and I value family and tried to give them Family, too. Now I meet with THIS. It has been going on since before my birthday in November, and all I got was a message on the phone that I could “expect the police” at my door (nonsense) (no reason – for a FLEA??? I do not think so!!) and has carried on ever since so my hubbie and I had Christmas alone and every other holiday since alone as well, and it HURTS SO BADLY because it was all set up by this girl he lives with – over this one FLEA???!!! He and I WERE so happy with each other – he sings as do I, and he gave me total credit for his singing and was nominated for 4 Grammies in 2010 but because he is signed with an “Independent” Producer, could not win. He WILL work, but the Zoloft and alcohol got him way out of shape when he is actually a good-looking man – but there is the key – my Mother used to obsess on him and gave him money I objected to for cars and all, and when she came full bloom into her Alzheimer’s and Dementia of course I took care of her, until the Dr. would not allow me to shoulder the damage to MY physical condition: no sleep and much back and nerve damage – plus sleeping maybe 3 minutes in each night because she would try to do things and we would come out and find the stove fires on and all kinds of weird stuff…. he told ME – I should “Step Up” BUT I, being her only daughter DID – and finally she had to go to a Nursing Home and he never came to see her – the one who gave him all this money she couldn’t afford and now, she passed away 2 years ago. They were living together in an apt. down there because she helped him to leave his wife and I have a grandson, Dakota – who is almost 18 and he is blocked from me on our Facebook sites now, and I do NOT think Dakota would DO this on his own – we always had a good and musical time when they would visit. NOW, I have no children – and all I wanted was to just associate as we did my son WILL work – BUT the way he has gotten so grossly out of shape, and he claimed after “THE FLEA” that he only drank when he had to come see me. What a crock. He could NOT work the way he had gotten himself with the Zoloft and Beer – fat and sweating and I knew he had an addiction to it. SO, the GF is happy now, because she thinks she has “won” – and she was telling me that my Father cheated on my Mother when overseas on business and she never knew either my father or my mother – and I am BAD because their stupid dog got a flea – two times in a row??? THIS IS RIDICULOUS – is it not? His gf has an Autistic son who pulls knives out on them, and I truly think this gf doesn’t want to be alone in this Sect. 8 apt (no my son is NOT supposed to be there) and seems like she thinks she has won something in creating all this PAIN for me. I cannot understand it, and went to my Religion – and this has not helped me at all – I had a nightmare of my daughter – in Chicago just todaya – and it is driving ME to becoming more ill myself. I am on SSD, and this is why the Trailer. My Husband/partner actually – is also disabled the same as I am, and he loves me and we love each other, but I am SO depressed and will NOT take psych drugs again – I was put on them before my son, and it was wrong and these drugs make us NOT ourselves…SO, I understand he REALLY shouldn’t BE on this Zoloft for his OCD – much less a mixture of that and the beer. But cannot even talk to either of my “children” now when I have NOT done anything in the first place…they needed someone to blame – which is also totally NOT what I taught them…Yes, I DO need some SAGE advice. It is SO appreciated. OH – you see, the difference is that last Mother’s Day he brought up one of Carlos Santana’s guitars for me to play from his Producer who had it for a Promo – THIS Mother’s Day I am hated…? K.
Answer: Dear K.: No, it isn’t about one flea! It is about adult children making choices that hurt them and us. Drugs, partners, dogs…whatever. There is nothing you can do about what your son and daughter decide to be and do.
You were whole person before you became a parent and you can be whole again. Focus on what makes you happy. Trying to make sense of what is obviously way off course isn’t going to change anything or them.
You have a different concept of how things ought to be and I don’t blame you. You deserve so much better. Let it go. That’s the way to survive the impossible. Blessings, Luise