Question: Dear Luise: Where do you begin my 22 year old son a year out of uni and my 23 year head strong daughter have been causing a strain not just emotionaly but financial on the purse strings. When they were 5 & 6 there father left for a 2nd time having got another woman pregnant and also having a gambling habit along with being violent which all went to court. For 14 years a single mother working full time paying a mortgage with little helpf from my ex other than being the mischief fairy not bringing them back and letting them watch horror flims. Even to try and get a life a partner of 2 years and then another for 3 called it quits due the push and pulling my ex and his demanding and threats of no payment for childcare! I went through 2 different types of cancer treatments – still worked and even took on a foster child my sons friend who had nowhere to go and suffered with ADHD. I am not asking for medal but I fed them put a roof over thier heads and extended family including both grandparents had influence in bringing up the children and seeing them from after school and holidays I could not cover – without them we would ahve been homeless if not peniless! I took them on holiday abroad with me at the 3 musketteers even though trips to Mexico, Thailand and Dom Republic my ex said he take them too never happened. My daughter at 14 became rebelious and although a grad A student she stated to find older friend in thieer 20’s who gave her drink and she was ruining my sons chances at school and education with exams. So she went to live with ehr dad. Volatile as he began to seperate from his then wife – but a t least she could see the violence and anger as he prefered to gamble than be part of the family. MY foster son moved on did well and went to college! My son high school and then University! the first person to make it in my family – I met and married my husband some 5 years ago he is a gentle caring person and dotes on the kids – he has none of his own. My daughter came back and was still out on the raz and drinking comming home all hours – it was hard to say the least…somehow we managed and coped. I went throoug job loss due to injury and couldnt fund all his expenses – he father did nothing but somehow I seem to have become the villain in all this.Just over a year ago my son returned from uni ..he hasnt been able to get a ajob and I have defeneded him as he has tried hundreds of jobs. He worked for a large store for 5 weeks and was laid off. We cant be sure that when his relationship with his grilfriedn of 5 years broke up it didnt impact on his life and work – and hense why he was ‘let go’ since then he spends his days infront of the PC playing games and in his pyjamas all day. Cant speak to either of them without them becomming volatile and quite rude. They dont shop with us for food, do chores and when we come home they get in the shower before you and fill up the washing machine. Despite getting a dish washer my son finds it hard to even unload that! We ahve tried stick and carot, offer to apy for driving lessons, and ven a course in IT if it helped with a job and we are sneered at. Polite ‘pleaasee could you help’ text prompts ‘be home soon’ but it is forced back to me/us as that we are being unfair? We dont think we can ask them any thing and my husband is on melt down. Quite out of the blue my daughter 6 months ago settled down with a man of 40 and got engaged within weeks all a bit quick but hey ho even with the age gap we wished them well. But she is skipping her job…ringing in sick and they are very strict. I know she intends to leave but she needs to be working. She didnt want her father to go to her weddinga nd expressedly said not to speak to grandma about this which I complied by saying ‘best ask her why.” She just uses people and emotions, she skipped work again this week and I was told it was none of my business to which I said the food is ruined when you dont come home I need to know and it was my home and at breaking point – which she said ‘oh so this is all about you!’ 2weeks ago I tried takle my son sensitively about the jobs market and he said ‘ do you wnat me to send you a copy of everything I do’ it is all rude and aggressive. I said I ddint neeed a text or email but could we not talk about it over dinner surley this is enough? My daughter now spouted that I have ruined her life and my lazy sone didnt even come down to dinenr so I left his on the side over night. I am going to look at houses in the next county and looking to move to agin some sanity. I am not a task master in fact quite a hippie at heart but this comune is run by only one person doing it all with the help of her husband. I/we just want to leave I dont care if they never speak to me I didnt get a present from either em at Xmas and dont get cards as they forget or hard up or too busy so I wont be missed! But least I have freedom and sanity. They neevr say thank you to my mum who gives them huge amounts of money for birthdays and christmas and so too thier uncle – so guess theya re spoilt, they dont visit them and never phone them so I see they are ungrateful. I may live to regret this but I want to just go and live..fear of reprisal from ex mother in law who still up to now is a best friend – although she has commented many times on my sons lack of ability to find wrk even temparay. I dont care if I dont see my grandchildren when they come along…it will be up to the leeches to advise ‘wy’ this is so and no doubt mention of my cauldren and broom – I simply cannot go on being the gofar and maid and chauffer for them….time to not just draw the line but step over it to be counted. N.
Answer: Dear N: You answered your own question in the last line; “Time to not just draw the line but to step over it and be counted.” I am so impressed that you are moving, preserving a good marriage and giving yourself the respect you deserve. If you want to connect with a supportive community of women up against the same thing in various ways, please come over to my Web-forum. We are located at www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise