Why I Am Being Shut Out

Question: My son who is 29 is married about 5 yrs. now with 2 children a 7yr old and 10 month old. They are not letting me see my grandsons and are telling the oldest who is very attached to me that I choose not to see him. I have been good to them, accepted her when she got pregnant before getting married, lent her money to pay for college because she was afraid to borrow from her folks, let them move in with me when the first baby was born and now they treat me like this. I can count on one hand the number of times I have been invited to their home. I even gave my grandson a birthday party at my house because they didn’t have time to plan anything and my daughter in law did not come. I invited them over for Christmas and they came over with such long faces like they hated being here. I live 10 min. away and yet they have gone to see her family who live 5 hours away more. They never make an effort to see me. My son says I treated him horribly his whole life and I treat him different from his brother. I tried to explain that all kids are different but you love them the same. I would like to maintain a relationship with them so I can see my grandkids. I have left messages to try to resolve this matter but they don’t answer and don’t return my call. I hate to see my grandson hurting. When I was there last he was so sad and didn’t want me to leave but now she has banned me from coming over and maybe from calling because they do not return my call. Should I keep trying or just give up. M.

Answer: Dear M. This may have something to do with young adults wanting to be totally in charge after years of feeling helpless as children. It has to be that way…they simply can’t run the show but many learn to hate their “keepers.”

When they start a new family in a new home, they sometimes make up new rules. The idea is to do parenting perfectly and that never works, of course.

Why adulthood has to be seen as “pay-back time” I have no idea…yet it is clear that many young adults seem to see it that way. In your case, you seem to be the “bad guy” for helping them get started, (which they probably interpret as their inability to manage on their own at first, which is true.)

In the process of this totally unnecessary tug-of-war for power, your grandson is getting hurt…that’ really sad. They don’t seem to care and that’s even sadder.

I think your only course of action is to withdraw and still be available. Everything else you do seems to make matters worse. Blessings, Luise

5 Responses to Why I Am Being Shut Out

  1. D. October 26, 2009 at 3:41 pm #

    Or maybe your idea of family togetherness really is smothering and intrusive. Maybe you really did treat him badly as a child. Hard to say when we only see one side of the story. D.

  2. A. November 4, 2009 at 5:15 pm #

    i can relate so much to the mother who is not allowed too see her grandchild. My son married at 22. His fiance would come see us tell us terrible things about her own parents. We felt so sorry for her. We had a nice rehearsal dinner and paid for the flowers since she said her parents did not have much money. i really cared for her, bought her clothes and anything she needed…even gave them down payment on home. One week later for no reason she started to treat us terribly and tell us our son did not want too come and see us no matter how she begged. in the meantime we met her parents who are lovely people. Not anything like we were led too believe. Her mother and i became friends. We had lunch out and etc. One day her mother called and said that she and her husband would like too meet me and mine on neutral ground. They were very upset. I was shocked when she told me my DIL had told them that i talked terribly mean too her and i had caused her to cry all the time. i was so shocked. That was 24 years ago and when we see them and the 3 children, they are here too visit her parents. We have taken the children with us every where and they love us. She’s the same person she was right after they married. We have never said anything about it to her or our son, because i want them too remain together, but our dearly beloved only son acts like a stranger in our home any more. I do not know what has happened but perhaps some one has told him something terrible we were supposed too have done too her; I don’t know. My husband and i will never get over this and have changed our will and left everything too the children. We put our son through college and he did not have any debt at all when he started out and has a great job, now…so the way the 2 of them treated us we just left it to the children. The 2 girls are18 and 20 my little grandson is 12. I am sick and I wake up in the night trying too figure out Where I went wrong. I would never have believed I would not be welcomed into my son”s home, because she says no. Thanks for listening. A.

    • Luise November 8, 2009 at 10:22 am #

      Thanks for sharing. Such conduct is beyond ever understanding or accepting and it is so common. Please go to http://www.motherinlawsunite.com to find spuuport. Blessings, Luise

  3. R. November 11, 2009 at 11:03 am #

    I have a 19yr old son that is very smart and was always a happy go lucky child until he decided to get involved with kids that influenced him to start drinking and doing drugs. He was never raised in a home with alcohol or drugs so it really hurts me that he has chose to go down this road. My father was an alcoholic and was in and out of our lives and my husband was an alcoholic but when we had our first son (19) he stopped and has never touched it since. We raised our children in a Christain home and tried to do what we felt was right. My other son (15) is focused on school and his future but is very sad to see his brother doing the things he is doing. My 19yr old does not have a job was just kicked out of my nephews home because of his drinking and lack of respect. My husband and I have told him he can come home if he will just get a job or go to college and get help for his problem and that we would even go with him to AA meetings with him, but he does not want to talk to us and I know I can’t make him if he doesn’t want to. I can not allow that behavior around my other son. Do you think we are doing the right thing? R.

    • Luise November 14, 2009 at 9:37 pm #

      What else can you do? Your son is making poor choices and what is coming down is the consequences of those poor choices. You have been very loving and very fair in your offer. Many parents just close the door and I mean slam it. Stick to your stand. You are telling him that you believe in him and will back him 100%, is and when he believes in himself.

      Please come over to my Web-forum: http://motherinlawsunite.com It’s a place to get support regarding issues with adult children. Blessings, Luise

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