Question: Dear Luise: I’m wondering why my boyfriend won’t introduce me to his family. We have been going together for six months and we’re really close except for this. He is comfortable with my family but he always dodges the issue of taking me to meet his. How can I change this? Brenda
Answer: Dear Brenda: There are a lot of reasons that this might happen. It might help to think about a few so you can get more comprehensive overview.
You are probably afraid that you are not passing some kind of unknown test. Or wouldn’t, if you were taken to his home for a visit. But have you thought about the possibility that he feels they might not live up to your standards? Or maybe he has a terribly attractive brother who competes with him, an alcoholic parent who might embarrass him, or something else he doesn’t want to share…yet.
When I was still in college, I went with a guy that just loved my parents and my home. He had every kind of excuse possible for not taking me to meet his parents and brother. Eventually, I outmaneuvered him. It was pretty awful. I could see why he loved to be with us, and I finally realized that my home was the major attraction…not me. That was OK. We became wonderful friends and he stayed close to my parents for many years after we both married someone else. My home set a standard for him.
If you feel you aren’t headed in a serious direction with this guy, let it go. If the opposite is true and you think you may want to take it to another level, let him know that doing that will require some serious talks. Tell him that what he’s doing, regarding his family, is very obvious. Make it clear that trust is something you feel you are going to have to build together to support anything more between you. Tell him that you need to know what is bothering him and why, so that you can look at it together.
Relationships require a level of candid openness that isn’t easy for all of us. Be as gentle and understanding as you can about this. It does need to be discussed and faced. Maybe it’s something so simple as his thinking that taking you home would jinx things, or it may be a very serious problem. At a deeper level, the good and the bad will have to be shared. Blessings, Luise