Question: Dear Luise: There have been several issues in my second marriage (married three years), alcohol and porn being two issues. There is something really bothering me now and I hope to get a clear head about this. A few years ago when my husband and I were dating he told his sister one night (when they were drinking quite a bit) that she was “hot”. That struck me as being a very inappropriate thing to say to your sibling. Another time, since we have been married, I heard him say something on phone about “he would tie her to a tree naked”. It was in context with some joke they were making, but I still thought it was odd. When I have brought it up to him he gets very defensive and says when he told her she was “hot” it was only to make her feel better about herself. My response was, “well then, tell her she looks nice, but do not tell her she is “hot”. His sister lives eleven hours from us and is coming for visit soon. I am dreading it because they drink so much. Someone I work with told me if her husband made those kind of statements to his sister she would be very upset. Am I being unreasonable and should I just let this go? C.
Answer: Dear C.: You have obviously been around drinking enough to know that you can’t pay any attention to what anyone says. That’s the rule of thumb with drunks.
You also can’t get people to say what you want them to say or figure out what they mean even when they are cold sober.
It may have been innocent drunkenness, if there is such a thing. Let it go and focus on whether you really want your life to be what it is. Porn and alcohol don’t go well over the years and decades. You deserve better. Blessings, Luise