Question: Dear Luise: I came across this column looking for answers and it seems you would be my last hope. I messed up really badly. I got drunk and made advances toward my husband’s friend. Nothing happened but my husband witnessed the whole thing. I even said rude things to him when he confronted me and tried to make me stop. The thing is I really don’t remember any of this. I have never done this before and honestly, I find his friend repulsive. This is why it hurts me more that I did this. Now he has lost his trust in me. I refuse to ever go near another drink again. But…he has done these things before when he was drunk, only to not remember anything. I have forgiven him many times because I know it is alcohol induced. But he can’t seem to get over my mistake. Some days he’s talking and sweet; then other days he’s angry. He has asked me to give him time to get over it and I said I would; only because I know how it feels to see that from your loved one. Lately, I have been thinking about all the things I buried in the past. I feel it’s not fair, that I have to forgive so he can get past it. I am starting to hurt deeply inside again. I told him how I am feeling now, but he says he “was drunk.” I do have pride and will not (can not) do this any longer. It’s been a week now, and he sends so many messages my way, I never know what I am waking up to. Please help me…how much time do I let this go on, and how can I bury those old hurt feeling again. L.
Answer: Dear L.: It looks to me like you are dealing with a double standard here. “Boys will be boys” but woman are supposed to above such things. For an outside observer, it probably looks stupid and disgusting no matter who is doing it.
It’s not doing you any good to dwell on the past. You are in the “now” and no one is acting like a fool at the moment. You are both capable of it but it sounds like your husband wants the exclusive right.
It’s a choice, always, whether or not to get stuck in the role of the victim. He is choosing to see you in a new light and can’t get over it…and you are stuck in the role of the one previously wronged over and over again and expected to forget it. Both of you are licking your wounds when neither of you, as far as I can see, has a leg to stand on.
This could be seen as a wake-up call for both of you, if you decide you want to put a positive spin on it. People who drink occasionally, remember what they said and did. You are both in a different league. What do you want to do with that information? Blessings, Luise