Question: Dear Luise: I feel strange writing to you but I really need some help with this. I’ve been married for two years and my wife has a bad temper. She just goes nuts sometimes and in the last year it has become physical on more than one occasion. I am not going to hit her back and I feel she takes advantage of that. I’m a lot bigger and I could do some serious damage. I’ve told her that she actually hurts me. My size doesn’t exempt me from that. She is sorry afterwards but her promises don’t mean zip. She wants kids and I have said “no way”. I wouldn’t trust her with my children…not now! I know there are abused wives out there but what about abused husbands? Sam
Answer: Dear Sam: Abuse is abuse. This is a dangerous situation. You are right to be concerned.
Tell your wife that you are moving out and will try to work through this with her from a distance. But only if she wants to face what’s going on and grow past it. In the meantime, make it very clear that you are not her punching bag.
She needs professional help with this. There are a lot of reasons for her kind of behavior that certainly may evoke compassion. Just so you don’t even consider letting the abuse continue. You are correct that this is not a home into which you would want to bring children. Good for you.
If you love your wife, you may be able to support her in turning this around. She will genuinely need to face up to it. Her cooperation and commitment are an absolute necessity. It’s up you to how far you want to go with it, even from a distance.
You will have to do some work yourself if you chose to stay married to her. It’s not possible that she’s the only one with work to do. We’re all “works in progress”. You picked her for a reason and there’s also a reason you didn’t see this coming. How do you figure into the greater picture?
Talk it over with a third person present if that’s the only way you can make yourself clear. Your clarity is the first step. Blessings, Luise