My Wife Hits Me

Question: Dear Luise: I feel strange writing to you but I really need some help with this. I’ve been married for two years and my wife has a bad temper. She just goes nuts sometimes and in the last year it has become physical on more than one occasion. I am not going to hit her back and I feel she takes advantage of that. I’m a lot bigger and I could do some serious damage. I’ve told her that she actually hurts me. My size doesn’t exempt me from that. She is sorry afterwards but her promises don’t mean zip. She wants kids and I have said “no way”. I wouldn’t trust her with my children…not now! I know there are abused wives out there but what about abused husbands? Sam

Answer: Dear Sam: Abuse is abuse. This is a dangerous situation. You are right to be concerned.

Tell your wife that you are moving out and will try to work through this with her from a distance. But only if she wants to face what’s going on and grow past it. In the meantime, make it very clear that you are not her punching bag.

She needs professional help with this. There are a lot of reasons for her kind of behavior that certainly may evoke compassion. Just so you don’t even consider letting the abuse continue. You are correct that this is not a home into which you would want to bring children. Good for you.

If you love your wife, you may be able to support her in turning this around. She will genuinely need to face up to it. Her cooperation and commitment are an absolute necessity. It’s up you to how far you want to go with it, even from a distance.

You will have to do some work yourself if you chose to stay married to her. It’s not possible that she’s the only one with work to do. We’re all “works in progress”. You picked her for a reason and there’s also a reason you didn’t see this coming. How do you figure into the greater picture?

Talk it over with a third person present if that’s the only way you can make yourself clear. Your clarity is the first step. Blessings, Luise

4 Responses to My Wife Hits Me

  1. rob lynch August 15, 2006 at 1:53 pm #

    My wife is an alcholic, and when she drinks she becomes very abusive to me and my kids. What should I do?

  2. Luise August 17, 2006 at 11:37 am #

    Dear Rob: You have rights and so do your children. I would suggest you seek counseling first…for all of you. If your wife refuses, so be it. You also need to talk with a lawyer. No one has to be abused; male, female or child…in today’s society. It creates a pathological environment and long lasting damage. Blessings, Luise

  3. Brian November 3, 2007 at 5:12 pm #

    Another troubling day.
    My fiance keeps starting fights to where she feels its okay to attack me. Verbal and physical. I now have to defend my self from her. I by no means confront her with my abilities to fight. I just want away at the time. I have pushed her away so im not cornered. Now I feel so bad. Bad honestly she is the aggresser.
    I love her so much. She blames me or her past for her problems. She blames it somtimes to sugar issuses. She feels bad after and says it will not happen again.
    today she told people i was hitting her and how bad i was. I swear to god i never did or started anything. I agree i pushed her off of me when she was kicking me into a corner.

    Im sorry, But I do love her and i can imagine you’ll be like other people and say to leave her. I love her and dont want her to be caught up in her actions and i need a path of comunication to be shown to me so I might be there for her even now. I love her

    please help

  4. Luise November 3, 2007 at 5:27 pm #

    I’m sorry to say that I have the same answer everyone else has. You have a definition of love that doesn’t compute for me. And I know of no avenue of communication that is going to change anything. Your wife feels she is justified in using physical and verbal abuse and you agree with her. How sad.

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