How To Get My Adult Children To Stop By To See Us
Question: Dear Luise: After reading some of the devastating situations, I can see my problem is not too bad, but I would like to make it better. My husband and I get lonely in the evenings. Our children are quite busy raisingfamilies and working, but all three are only blocks away and NEVER come to see us or call to ask us to baby set, which we love, but just drop them off and drive off. IF we stop by we do not feel wanted. I remember treating my mother the same way, Now I am so sorry and miss her. I don’t want my children to feel that. I have been thinking about making some pies and inviting them over for some. A lot of work but I’m willing. We do have friends and they complain about the same thing. I suppose its normal. Sometimes I cry, but not in front of them. do you have any suggestions for me? C.
Answer: Dear C.: Good for you for remembering that you did the same thing! For many of us, that is easy to forget. Once my sons left home and started their own families, one of the hardest things for me to get was that I was still focused on them when they were no longer focused on me. I actually got stuck in self-pity for a while until I got that the situation wasn’t going to change and it was up to me to move on. Truth? I was a whole person before I had children and I could be whole again instead of trying to make sense of what I saw as senseless…and trying to fix it to suit me, not them. (They were fine.)
Your adult children have created their own family units and they get to make up the rules, just like we once did. For most of us, their rules don’t necessarily meet out expectations but that’s not their job. It’s our job is to restructure our expectation and get a life. I absolutely hated figuring that out, much less implementing it.
The only thing that I know of that you get to vote on is how much you are willing to be used in the process. They don’t have to pay for your services by eating your pies but/and…you get to establish and maintain boundaries. At the same time, your loneliness is your issue, not theirs. Do you find that harsh? I sure did.
Please consider coming over to www.WiseWomenUnite.com It is a forum I established three years ago where women can dialogue on these issues, support each other and, more often than not, learn to cope. Blessings, Luise