Question: Dear Luise: I’m having a really hard time understanding my husband & his actions. Not sure if I want to leave him or if it’s worth staying. We have been married for almost 4 years, together for 5. It’s 3rd marriage for him and 2nd for me. He is a great father to our 21 mos old and my 10 yrs old son, just not a good husband. He says he loves me and I’m his priority, but his action shows otherwise. The problems are his mother and brother who is recovering from 25+ years of drug abuse. Since I’ve been in his life, his mother has never been there for him, never praises him, it’s all about her other son. She hasn’t even been in her only grandchild’s life, who has been in and out of hospitals for the last 20 months. She came for two of his surgeries because my husband went and got her. Yet he worships the ground she walks on, she is a saint and can do no wrong. Even though she never asks to come over, never invites us over or wants to do anything with us, he keeps insisting on having her in our lives at all times. He can’t understand why I’m resentful of his mother and don’t want the same level of interaction as he wants. To top it off, he wants me to forget his brother’s background and have him over all the time as well. I have a 10 year old boy and I don’t want that kind of influence around him. I don’t want him to end his relationship with his family. I just want him to put my and our son’s needs first, not his mother’s and brother’s. If this was the case, he should have never gotten married and started a family. Do you have any advice for me? Thanks, J.
Answer: Dear J.: It sounds like your husband is the perennial “good guy” who has to be nice to and cherish everyone in his family of origin. You are a realist and see his mom and brother very clearly. If you can’t put up with them, you will have to leave because he isn’t going to see them any other way. He just can’t and a marriage with someone who does…was over before it began. Look at what it’s costing you. Face up to it and move on. You deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise