Question: Dear Luise: My son is 30 years old. He’s married also. We recently had words and now are not speaking. He wants us to believe that everything in his life that is bad is our fault. A couple of examples is a few years back he had a girl friend that was really odd. He seamed to be very taken with her…but they were always fighting and he was always angry. After 5 years of this we told him one day that we could not do any more of this drama. We told him if he insisted on going back to her one more time, that he was on his own. He took that as a slap and that he could not come to us. So he told me he has been hurt for years, knowing he couldn’t come to his family. Then just last year we had planned a trip to Yellowstone with our daughter who was coming for a visit. He has been fighting with his sister and he kept telling me , I just don’t think I can come around when she comes. I just don’t want to be near her. I told him, I still want to visit with her, she is my daughter after all, so I told him, if you can’t be nice, then don’t come over and start a fight with her. We had every intention of taking him and his wife with us to Yellowstone. But because he kept telling, I can’t come over, We went to Yellowstone with out him. Now he is hurt and mad and when he brought it up., I told him, its not like that and he told me I was just making excuses. There were other things that he brought up and its all because he took it wrong or didn’t listen to what we told him. So now we are not speaking and I am not willing to go running after him this time, to make sure we keep the communication open. I am done being his whipping post, He calls me at work, I can’t have that any more. There are just a lot of things that have to stop and he needs to grow up. He also has absolutely no respect for my husband and myself. He won’t see that now that everyone is out of the house, we have a life and we intend to live it. Whats the best way to handle this? L.
Answer: Dear L.: You sound like you have had more than enough and realize that your son blaming you doesn’t necessarily make it a fact.
You did your best in raising him. That’s all any of us can do. He has reached adulthood. It may be time to tell him that your job was done some time ago and you are going to get on with the rest of your life. You deserve so much better.
He probably isn’t going to like it when you make it clear that whatever he does from here on in is about him not you. Stick to your guns. Blessings, Luise