30 Year-old Son Blames Me for His Problems

Question: Dear Luise: My son is 30 years old.  He’s married also.  We recently had words and now are not speaking. He wants us to believe that everything in his life that is bad is our fault. A couple of examples is a few years back he had a girl friend that was really odd.  He seamed to be very taken with her…but they were always fighting and he was always angry.  After 5 years of this we told him one day that we could not do any more of this drama.  We told him if he insisted on going back to her one more time, that he was on his own.  He took that as a slap and that he could not come to us.  So he told me he has been hurt for years, knowing he couldn’t come to his family.  Then just last year we had planned a trip to Yellowstone with our daughter who was coming for a visit.  He has been fighting with his sister and he kept telling me , I just don’t think I can come around when she comes.  I just don’t want to be near her.  I told him, I still want to visit with her, she is my daughter after all, so I told him, if you can’t be nice, then don’t come over and start a fight with her.  We had every intention of taking him and his wife with us to Yellowstone.  But because he kept telling, I can’t come over,  We went to Yellowstone with out him.  Now he is hurt and mad and when he brought it up.,  I told him, its not like that and he told me I was just making excuses.  There were other things that he brought up and its all because he took it wrong or didn’t listen to what we told him.  So now we are not speaking and I am not willing to go running after him this time, to make sure we keep the communication open.  I am done being his whipping post, He calls me at work, I can’t have that any more.  There are just a lot of things that have to stop and he needs to grow up.  He also has absolutely no respect for my husband and myself.  He won’t see that now that everyone is out of the house, we have a life and we intend to live it.   Whats the best way to handle this? L.

Answer: Dear L.: You sound like you have had more than enough and realize that your son blaming you doesn’t necessarily make it a fact.

You did your best in raising him. That’s all any of us can do. He has reached adulthood. It may be time to tell him that your job was done some time ago and you are going to get on with the rest of your life. You deserve so much better.

He probably isn’t going to like it when you make it clear that whatever he does from here on in is about him not you. Stick to your guns. Blessings, Luise




8 Responses to 30 Year-old Son Blames Me for His Problems

  1. T. May 1, 2013 at 10:52 am #

    I completely understand. I raised two children alone. Loved them as much as is humanly possible to love someone. Devoted my life to them, Did all I could do, we had hard times and good times but all they remember now are the hard times.
    My daughter has her Master’s degree and is working on her PhD, She has a six month old girl I have seen four times, total. My son dropped out of college and is pursuing a life of pot smoking, although he does work fulltime he moves every few months, works in the same town i reside in but hasn’t contacted me at all in several months. I had a lot of issues, was abused a lot by his Dad and it took a toll on my physical and mental health, I was never the same. But I never left and I never gave up on either of my kids. I never will, but I admit that some days I can barely get out of bed. I am on disability and I take medication daily. No matter what I do or say I seem to be a scapegoat for the family ,every problem that arises in their lives is because of me, when in reality I was the only adult present in their daily lives- for many long difficult years, my father helped me some, but now they blog and write on public social networks that he is their hero and I am a useless, “bipolar” burden to humanity and a waste of their time. It hurts worse than any pain I have ever known and that is saying something. I hope to live to see my granddaughter grow up and my children to wake up and realize their momma really tried. T.

  2. T. May 1, 2013 at 11:01 am #

    PS: When I was still working, they still “loved” me. $$$ talks. I was included in family gatherings and all until 2007, when I lost my job due to my illness, that I certainly didn’t choose to have.
    My father has cancer and they rally around him in love and unity, while I am reviled. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Thank you for listening and all the best to you. T.

  3. D. May 10, 2013 at 10:57 pm #

    Reading yur post I see so much of my self and my children in your family. I can see that by me always being there and taking all the blame for every thing didnt work, I quit giving them anything. When my oldest son call me to cuss me out I will hang-up . I am not there scapegoat any more. Look around all the mothers that don’t take it and dont give every last thing, get more respct. That is where I want to be. D.

  4. J. May 28, 2013 at 4:31 pm #

    I know all too well how It feels to have children turn on you , no I will not claim to be perfect but I love my children with all of my heart and always put their needs above my own . My son blames every bad thing that happens to him on me , he lies and tells people I beat him and I didn’t want him to graduate H.S. , it is not true and it kills me inside when I hear these things . I still love him , I am very ill and I just wish he would love me again before I die … that is the hardest thing to endure is knowing after I am gone he will still probably blame me . What did I do that was so bad ? Where did I go wrong ? My heart hurts and my mind cant accept that my little boy that I shared so much with hates me now . I cant stop crying and this pain will never go away , it has been going on for 7yrs now … each day that goes by I pray he will stop hurting me or at least talk to me and tell me why he hates me so much & let me apologize for whatever it is that he thinks I have done before its too late . J.

    • Luise Volta May 31, 2013 at 10:59 am #

      J – Please consider coming over to http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com where a communnity of women face this issue together. Blessings, Luise

    • D. June 24, 2013 at 8:24 pm #

      Well J just read your post. Living a very parallel life.I have made my decision no matter the pain inside, to let go. I am blamed for everything that goes wrong. My adult child decided to have a child “I am not getting any younger” but can’t even support himself. Now they are being evicted as usual almost every year for 11 years. I am told that no one hands him a thousand dollars to help with his bills etc….. Well I was a single mom who also came from a very disassociative family. So it was tough to be a single mom, and I was far from perfect, but their dad committed suicide and it is “poor guy” for the last 18 years. I feel as if I should of been a robot. I am not allowed to be human. Well, whatever. My DIL’s family absolutely refuses to help them and has thrown the both of them on the street. But DIL still maintains a relationship with her family. But I am the monster because they choose to live like they have a good income go out to eat etc…. not pay rent. And now “we are evicted so we are coming to live with you” Oh no you don’t after all the manipulation, verbal abuse towards me everytime he can’t get a job because of his pot smoking etc…. I have even heard” it took me till I was 26 til you bought me a car” My other children have helped him his wife and child many times and he repeatedly downplays it everytime. This adult child never calls to see if I need help due to bad hip from many years of lifting patients. He only calls when he needs money otherwise he wouldn’t even know if I was alive or dead. His wife never calls either, oh but now I need a home. Well long story short you are going to make your physical issues, worse. The mind controls how the body reacts. Your childs perception is their reality so we can’t change it. May god bless you! D.

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