1411 – I’m So Confused

Question: Dear Luise: 2-1/2 years ago I found out what I thought… my husband having an affair with someone from work.  Even after I found out – at first he seemed remorseful, but then I found that he was still seeing her.  I even talked to her a couple of times and asked that she back off.  She told me there was nothing going on between her and my husband.  I didn’t believe her because I kept finding emails and endless text messaging and phone calls on our cell phone records and I even read some of the text messages (they seemed one-sided, all coming from him) that he loved her and mentionings of having sex with her – but she would never respond…  When I would contact her, she would tell him and he would fly into a rage, telling me not to contact her or else… (sounded like a threat… I guess).  Finally, recently – she approached me in public and tells me that she wanted to set the record straight… that there has never been anything going on between her and my husband.  He had told her that he would take care it and set me straight… since he hadn’t, she decided that she needed to do it instead.  She told me that she didn’t want my husband, never did and didn’t want him know and if he was talking about leaving me, he definitely isn’t coming to her… she doesn’t want him.  He’s just her friend – he’d been helping her out – she’s 36, divorced & single with three kids and having a hard time financially.  I found he had been giving her money and getting behind and not paying our household bills.  I asked her about the emails – she says she ignores them-most of them, she tries to discourage his wanting to spend time with her (she said she knew I had a problem with that and so did her boyfriend, so she would hold him off…).  I asked her about the parties he claims to go to with her – she says, no he’s comes to the parties to take photos for client referrals she’s given him and she’s with her own date.    My husband no longer sleeps with me (since April of last year-except on 2 occasions and he didn’t perform well hardly at all…) – he has made it clear that he wants nothing to do with me anymore and still I’ve been persistent in trying to get him to want me and our marriage again.  I actually believe the woman… why has my husband been so cruel as to lead me to believe that he’s having an affair when he may not have??  I finally told him to find a job and move out.  I will no longer bother him or talk to him – I will stay out of his way… as though I no longer exist in his life (when I’ve said anything to him – he tells me “to leave him alone”, or  “stay away from him”, or “I can’t leave cause I have no where to go, but as soon as I’m able I’m leaving as soon as I can”.  He has yelled these things constantly over the past couple of years and has yelled it in front of our kids.  I can’t take his mental abuse any more… I ask, how do I move on? (We are both 50 years old, we have 2 daughters (18 & 20) and have been married for going on 23 years).  The woman told me if I still love him and want the marriage – I need to stick it out and stay…. I’m so confused… please advise? K.

Answer: Dear K.: Why would you listen to her? She takes his/your money and doesn’t even like him. That doesn’t recommend her very highly.

I’m not confused at all…get the heck out of there. He’s a loser and you deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise


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