I Don’t Want the Past To RuinThis

Question: Dear Luise: I am 21 and i met a wonderful man just over a year ago. he is 30. When we met he had just come out of a 7- year relationship in which he had not been happy and he was in a bit of a mess about it, although he put on a strong exterior. We fell in love almost instantly and we had both never been so happy. However we met during my summer holidays and when i had to go back to university he felt that he may be doing the wrong thing because of the age gap and how little time it had been since his last relationship ended, also it would have meant i would only see him o weekends and holidays for 9 months. He has always said that he had never stopped loving me but he was confused as to what the right thing to do was. When we broke up he briefly (for about 4 days) dated another woman, who he did not previously know for and she came over to the flat that he had moved into (we chose it together) and he slept with her. I had always made it clear to him that i loved him and i wanted to be with him and he contacted me every so often asking if he could visit me at university etc (i responded yes even though i knew if i couldn’t be with him properly i’d prefer not to see him at all). I also slept with someone at the time of our break up, after about a month. I feel that my act was a desperate measure to feel something other than heartache and sadness. It was not a loving act, it didn’t heal me rather than damage me i suppose. A few days later the man i was in love with called me up telling me that he wanted me back more than anything and that he would never let me go again. we both told each other what had happened and we agreed that we would give it a go. We have been deeply in love ever since (9 months now). However i feel like our glory days, when we had first met have been invalidated, and i often see the woman that he slept with and i feel very hurt. it reminds me of how upset and desperate to be with him i was and at the same time he was with someone else. He has said sorry a million times and we talk things through regularly as i get very upset when he comments on other women (this never used to happen because i was so sure that he was besotted with me and only me) now my trust has been broken and even though i know 100% that he would never do it again i feel like he doesn’t fancy/lust after/isn’t amazed by me anymore even though we have regular sex and he constantly showers me with affection. I have completely lost my confidence around him in terms of my self-worth and I don’t know what to do because we are great together apart from this. I don’t blame him for what happened and i understand why we broke up briefly. We talk of marriage and babies and i want to spend the rest of our lives together too but it seems that these events always have a grip on me and my feelings. Please help Luise i have searched everywhere for answers and i don’t want the past to ruin what a great future we have ahead of us. S.

Answer: Dear S. You may not like my take on this. You have been together for a short time and you have had a great deal of trouble. You did the same thing that he did and still can’t let it go. The past already is ruining things. Distance and age are against you and I honestly think there is too much stress. I’d suggest you end it and the drama, finish school and do some serious growing up. Your life is still ahead of you. Blessings, Luise

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