Question: Dear Luise. I accidentally found this site of yours just now and I find your advice really great. Regarding my concern, I’m currently involved in a 4-month old relationship. I really love and care for this girl but I’m having some issues I can’t explain. She’s still young and innocent. She’s still studying. I’ve been TERRIBLY hurt before, and ever since, I didn’t take girls seriously. All my relationship have been short term. I even studied the art of seduction and the art of manipulation. You can consider me a player but I’m still nice. I’m breaking up with them before they fall in love with me. And just when I thought I wouldn’t fall in love again, she came. Everything is going smoothly, but my issues are getting in the way. In times, I want to make her act this way and this way. And I’m hurting her in the process. I don’t want this but…I don’t know. Sometimes, something in me tell me that, relationship is a big mistake and that being a player is the way to go. We’re really in love. I haven’t felt this in ages. For this reason, I don’t want to have sex with her, so there would be something to look forward to someday. I’m afraid I will get tired of her. I’m still really young too. Luise, I don’t know…I really want her and I want an IDEAL relationship and marriage someday. I might sound too immature. Is that wrong? We’re in our twenties, and she’s still a virgin, by the way. Please help me with my issues. C.
Answer: Dear C. You are unusually aware. That can be very helpful but it can also be very painful, as you well know.
There aren’t any guarantees when we look at the possibility of getting hurt. We can look closely at our selves and another, as you are doing, but we can’t predict what kind of challenges will come our way. You are both young, yet people the age of your parents make errors in judgment and hit the rocks in relationships. The alternative is to stay single and never give your heart away but for many of us that represents a slow death.
You see yourself bossing her around. That’s amazing. People who do that rarely see that they are doing it. We know how we want others to be and it is very tempting to try to give out instructions representing our point of reference, asking or demanding that they comply. It never works. We are all unique individuals and have the right to stay that way without others attempting to interfere with our habits, belief systems and/or values. You seem to already know that and I find that an endearing quality. If you share your feelings with her, she probably will, too.
I would suggest that you work hard on your communication skills and ask her to do the same. That could be your saving grace. You don’t need to over-analyze everything but you both need to keep putting how you experience of your feelings “out there.” Sharing is often the greater part of caring. Go slowly, look for common goals and cross you fingers! Blessings, Luise