Why Is My Son So Nasty To Me?

Question: Dear Luise: My 18 year-old son gets nasty with me. It seams that he might blame me for having cancer and going through my chemo. On my 50th birthday, I asked him to make me a piece of toast and he rammed a piece of dry bread in my face. He can be the best kind of caring person. He does volunteer work with the elderly. Then he gets home with me and is nasty. Why? I have been divorced since he was 18 months old, so I’m on my own. Help please. M.

Answer: Dear M. What you’re describing is very hard to understand and cope with. The question regarding why an adult son would act like that is the most common question on my website. For that reason, I created a Web-forum where mothers can interact with each other with problem solving and support: www.motherinlawsunite.com  You might want to go over there and take a look.

Many adult sons seem to have a hard time with the transition from the child-to-mother relationship to the adult-to-mother one. I think the anger is often about their acute discomfort…(that they often blame on us.) What you are probably looking for is logic and I doubt that you will find any. Your son’s ability to be kind to the elderly reflects what a good job you did raising him and his ability to not carry his personal difficulties with you out of the home when he works with others…shows maturity.

If you live together that can complicate things. Often our sons have to live alone and never move back in to complete the separation process. Then many of them can come back into our lives as friends…leaving their childish behavior behind. They don’t all make that transition, one of my sons did and the other didn’t. Blessings, Luise

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