Why Has He Stopped Sex?

Question: Dear Luise: My boyfriend and I once had a great relationship. We had sex once or twice a week and it was very satisfying. In the past two plus years my boyfriend wants me less and less. Now if we have sex once every 3 months I’m lucky. When I initiate, he turns me down. I’ve tried all sorts of things to try to make him want me. He says he just doesn’t want it anymore and he claims he has a low testosterone level. He won’t go to a doctor or a counselor. I don’t know what to do anymore. I deserve to feel desired and want to feel satisfied. To make it worse, I’m aggravated all the time because of this. I’ve discussed this openly with him more than once but he does nothing. I am fed up, lonely and losing confidence. M.

Answer: Dear M.: If all was well originally and continued that way for some time, my guess would be that his answer is not correct. I don’t know, of course what the answer is but he is establishing a pattern that your didn’t expect or agree to. For some unfortunates, there is a kind of sexual “flash in the pan” time and then it’s pretty much over. It is possible to adjust but it is rare that it works, long term.

You seem to be translating his inability (that’s what it is, you know) into rejection. Please see that it is about him and you are making it up that it’s about you. When that’s the case, you have a broken partnership that is hurting one or both of you. (He could be also hurt by your reaction.)

If the situation was comfortable and you were adjusting to it and accepting it, you wouldn’t have written to me. No partner is perfect because we aren’t either. However, there are things we can accept and things we can’t.

In the light of his decision to not see a doctor or enter into counseling, (which is his right, of course,) I would suggest that you gather up your self-respect and move on. Blessings, Luise

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