Whoa! What’s Going on Here

Question: Dear Luise: I must be missing something… my mother, throughout life has used me as a meal ticket (her words). She doesn’t know that I know, but still there. Now I am 37, recently diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. She asked me to move in with her. The first day after I moved my stuff in, the rent doubled. I used to have a 10 mile drive to work, now it is 37, not a lot more, but hard on me to drive. It has been 90 days, and my son, who is visiting for the summer (been here 4 weeks), overheard her telling one of her friends that she is thinking of kicking me out. I am not a slacker, I work the 50+ hour week. Good money, especially in this economy. I have to be missing something. a little background. When I was 8mos old, she was taking me to an adoption organization. My granddad stepped in, along with my aunt and volunteered to take care of me. When turned 9 she came back into my life, telling me I was her son. (Woah-1). Lived with her until I graduated high school. She graduated college 2 weeks before I did high school, compliments of being on welfare, and school was free. (Woah-2). She stated that she had no money for me to go to college, hence I joined the military. From the day of boot camp, to 9 months later, I came to find out she paid for my cousins college, moved to a very nice house, etc. She devastated my marriage, on the wedding day (Woah-3). I still found myself forgiving, and forgetting. But I feel so sick, thinking about that comment that was said, in which my son overheard. She is on disability retirement, and SS. Fixed income. I pay rent/utilities/food. It’s not like i am there for free. $1000 a month, but I have this feeling that I must have done something in my past or what, to deserve this. A little help would be appreciated on this. R.

Answer: Dear R.: I don’t think I’d wait to be kicked out…the arrangement isn’t working.

You have the right to peace and quiet…to a drive to your place of employment that doesn’t extend your workday any further and to some respect. Your first move in that direction is to initiate taking a stand based on self-respect.

I’m pretty sure that your mother couldn’t trash your marriage on your wedding day. I have no doubt that she could certainly trash your wedding but you went ahead and got married and had a family. You must have been responsible for some of what followed and so was your wife.

Unfortunately, becoming a mother doesn’t necessarily make your mom a good one. It’s best to move on and write off her unkindness, favoritism, insensitivity and neglect. Don’t waste any more time trying to make sense of it. You have a forgiving nature and it is healthier to let the past go. Then you can put your energy into changing the present. You don’t need this.

Focus on your health and the issues around your condition. Try not to get into the he said/she said of listening to others tell you what they heard. It only adds fuel to the fire and you are the one being consumed. Be your own best friend in every way possible. Blessings, Luise

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