Question: dear luise, you are truly my last hope to calm the insanity in my head. i was married for 13 years. we had four children ages 15, 14, 12, and 6. we have been seperated now for almost 3 years. we were young when we married and at times it was physically and emotionally violent. admittedly that all had slowed in the last half of our marriage. we never got along. or if we did we just didnt communicate. we never agreed on how to raise the kids, take care of bills, deal with anything. i am the one that left. i got my own place with my daughters. but ever since we split up he has manipulated the kids. made them hate me. told them they were backstabbers if they were nice to me or any boyfriend i may have. he has borrowed money from me and never paid it back. i always try to help him. but then he turns mean if i start a new relationship. he now wants me back. i am currently in a relationship, but i cant help think that my life would be so much easier if i just took my ex husband back. will it work? wont it be better for the kids? he also just left a drug rehab and is living with his mother. he is not in the best of health. and i feel for him and the kids. but what if the guy i am dating is the one for me? so desperately confused but want to make the right decision for my family. please help. thank you. A.
Answer: Dear A.: Boy, oh, boy…there’s a lot of bad water under the bridge. Your husband can be mean and, of course, he’s the back stabber. Debts aren’t repaid. What could you possibly like about him? What are the chances that you are going to be any more compatible the second time around or that he will stay off the drugs? He may need you, soon, as a caretaker if he is unwell. That sounds like a possibility.
All of that said, if you are on the fence, making your family whole again may bring you joy even if he doesn’t. No one can tell you what the answer is. Tthere is no perfect answer because life isn’t perfect. One way to approach it is to go back and finish raising your kids and then see how you feel. Of course, your “now” guy will be long gone but I think you are leaning in that direction. Just a guess. Blessings, Luise