What Do I Do Now That They Have Closed the Door?

Question: Dear Luise: Finding your site has really helped me realize I am not alone. My son, right out of highschool, got his girlfriend of 3 months pregnant and they decided to get married. They lived with us for about 5 months while getting on their feet. My DIL was cold and distant towards me after the wedding. I let it go because of the baby coming. I heard her bad mouth everyone and create drama about other family members and her friends on a daily basis. My son is from my previous marriage, but has been raised by my husband since he has been 5 years old. My ex and his wife and my husband and I got along just fine. On the other hand, her father and mother are divorced and there is a great deal of fighting that goes around on that side…including, seperate family functions, bad mouthing and game playing. Jump forward…Baby born…I was a big part in the first few months with my daughter in law and the new granddaughter. She needed me, my help and I thought we developed a friendship. I was wrong. It appears she has been plotting against me the whole time…turning my son against me. first time I realized I had a real problem was when the baby was about 4 months old. Her tires were bad on the car and my husband took her car and replaced the tires (fearing her and our granddaughter’s safety) to our face…thank you….to our son….controlling and then our son made me feel that we over stepped our boundaries. We were trying to be helpfull. Next…I had the car loan (my son’s) in my name…I purchased the car for him in high school, but there was a small balance of the car loan left and when he didn’t go to college and decided to get married, became his responsibility. He was paying the $140 per month payment and had $1800 left on the loan. Not much, considering the car totally cost over $15,000.00. He came to me and asked if I could pay off the vehicle and transfer to him so he could get insurance with his new wife (more discounts) I agreed. He had 30 days to transfer the title, but kept making excuses of being too busy. I received a letter stating that my D.L. was going to be revoked for not having proper insurance on the vehicle. I called him and got screamed at. He insisted that I put the vehicle in his wife’s name. I would not. I said I would only do it if it was joint, not just singly in her name. She took that as offense that I was saying they were going to get divorced. I was just protecting my investment. She called me a monster and it took me a while to trust her. She did get her claws back into me and suckered me into catering every whim of hers until I again….did something she didn’t like. It sounds ridiculous, but it is true. I took the baby on a small bike ride (bike seat and helmet) I do this with my other grandchildren. The baby was shy 2 days of being 1 year old. She loved it. My daughter in law screamed and insulted me, my son disowned our ENTIRE family because of this. We are ousted from the baby’s 1st birthday, the entire family on my ex’s side has disowned us and her mother slammed me for disrespecting our children. I have no idea what monster they made, but I know for a fact that nothing I did or my husband, his 2 sisters, my parents, etc. caused this. Lies, manipulation and now brainwashing my son…who we don’t even recognise has taken over. It has been 6 weeks and I have written a letter, ate crow and apologized. My husband even reached out to my son about 5 times…nothing. I am scared. I miss my son (the old son) I miss my granddaughter terribly and a I even miss my DIL…surprisingly. Everyone in our side wants nothing to do with my son anymore for his behavior and hers. But I am his mother and it is killing me…really. I am so depressed, I am not eating, sleeping and sick to my stomache. I am trying to survive cancer and have been told by my doctor that stress will increase the chances that my cancer will return. I am very frightened by this since the stress is unbearable. I don’t know what to do. I do understnad what is going on…she wants to alienate my husband from our family because he was close to us and she is insecure of their relationship. He is very angry now…unlike the fun loving kind of boy he was prior to them getting married. I know this…just don’t know how to rectify the situation. I don’t want to be treated poorly anymore by them and find that playing games with the baby and holding her hostage is very disgusting. What is the best thing I can do to hopefully get my son to open his eyes and realize that I am his mom and he misses his family? I am trying to give him space. I tried to reach out, it didn’t work. I am not calling, writing or anything. I wanted to go see my son by himself after work…but last time I tried to do that, my DIL said that if I come to their house unannounced again, she would get me arrested for harrassment. My son was the only one home and he wouldn’t even let ne give the baby a kiss or her birthday gifts. I am so hurt…devasted, actually. What do I do? L.

Answer: Dear L. Please come over the Web-forum I have created for those of us who have serious issues with our adult children and/or extended families. You will find us at: www.WiseWomenUnite.com . Looking forward to working with you there. Blessings, Luise

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