Question: Dear Luise: My friend has married to a guy, with whom she got engaged 8 months before, it was an arranged marriage. They both used to have only telephonic conversations upto marriage, as they were living in two different countries, then. They had developed a very good relationship during their telephonic conversations and started liking each other. But, just after a week of marriage, my friend came to know from somebody that just before a year or so, her husband had broken engagement with another girl, who had cheated on him. My friend asked him why didn’t he tell her the same, he told that he had a fear to lose her. He also told her that no physical relation had been developed between him and the other girl, because he was not in love with the other girl. Their was also supposed to be an arranged marriage. They both used to hang out with each other, chat on the phone, she had also stayed at his home in the night on 4-5 weekends, but still he says nothing happened between them. They were together for 5 months, but then he came to know that the other girl has cheated on him, and so he broke the engagement, immediately. He is behaving very nicely with my friend after marriage, he loves her very much, she said, she can feel that. My friend loves him too, but when the previous relationship comes to her mind, she totally gets disturbed and annoyed and starts hating him, still he loves her very much. This may ruin their married relationship, in future. I keep telling her that she should forget everything happened in past and continue loving him and have a great future. But somehow, she is not comfortable with the past and that bothers her a lot. Her husband has forgotten everything about his past and loves my friend a lot. Do you have any suggestions as to how should help my friend deal with this? M.
Answer: Dear M.: There is no way that I know of to protect your friend from destroying her own life. To ignore a lovely present by dwelling on a past that really is none of her business is self-destructive, immature and lethal. If she is that selfish, she is going to end up by herself because no one is going to put up with it for long.
It’s very painful to watch others deliberately bring pain and suffering down on themselves. Your friend is selecting the victim role and “being right about being wronged” keeps it in place. Unless she seeks help or chooses to expand spiritually out of her self-absorption, she will probably create havoc in her life…without seeing that she is the source of it. Blessings, Luise