Put Downs Hurt

Question: Dear Luise: My husband is always trying to undermine my confidence. He criticizes me in front of others and when we are alone he is just plain deadly. Why would he want to keep that up? I don’t do that to him. And he didn’t used to do it. I would never have married such a cruel guy. Thelma

Answer: Dear Thelma: The kind of behavior you are describing may have something to do with your husband’s insecurities or he might have learned it from his family of origin. Maybe both. Unfortunately, it sounds like it’s going to do you serious harm, if you let it continue. From the tone of your question, it already is causing you pain and suffering.

Here’s the answer: he can continue…but not with you. No matter what his hang-ups are, this is abusive behavior and it’s destructive. Talk with him and let him know that it’s going to stop. He can either stop it, or if he can’t stop and wants to stay with you, he can seek professional help in learning how to stop it, or you are no longer going to be there. Those are his options.

What he does about the situation is about him. We are primarily interested, because of your question, about what can be done for you. There are some people who are untouched by this kind of thing, and just let it roll off like water off a duck’s back. In such instances, the husband continuously makes a fool of himself and there’s probably no harm done, except to him. However, in your case, it’s working and you are caving in and falling apart. He is getting what he wants from it, which is to feel “more” in some way. Bigger? Tougher? Smarter? Who knows, it’s his game. Don’t play.

It’s too bad that this was not apparent when you were going with him. That’s not unusual. A lot of false stuff was probably dished out when he was interested in marrying you. That, too, may have been about his ego or lack thereof. Once he bagged the prize, then you might have looked intimidating. A good way to bring you down to size is the rob you of your self-confidence.

Let him know that the pattern he has established is over. Give him the options I have outlined above, and if you don’t get a very positive and consistent response, start packing. Blessings, Luise

One Response to Put Downs Hurt

  1. J. January 12, 2011 at 2:15 am #

    When I married my Husband i would of never guessed he would be mental, emotional, and verbally cruel. The worst part of that is I Love God, and between Him and I we are really good at seeing through people. Not this time. I was raised by a horrific abusive man, and found myself with people emtionally unavailable, i wouldn’t let them in, once I married a Full Blooded domestic violence perp..my dad and the devil rolled into one. only 1% survive, or get out…i did. My Husband was whom I prayed for one night though dailey commitedd to never re-marrying..i just cried out one night. one week later there he was. a giant handsome powerful man on a white horse who said..”your’re home now..you’re home.” being a Daughter of God i would not let him touch me, and if I was to marry God would let me know. HE did. then i found out later, and still later, then everyday, and now it’s supposed to be funny too all wrapped up in character assassination attempts, put downs, belittleing, i’m stupid, though not told that it’s very appearent he thinks very little that i could survive at all. i’ve enever had anyone, even domestic guy put down my strong traits, talents, and passion. i don’t think there isen’t one thing my husband has not smeared in front of or ofcourse alone about me. tonite he hit me with my singing career. four in a half octives, and a great deal of notability. he said, you’re nothin anymore. nobody knows you now. you’re out of the ccircut, nobody remembers you. …i have been singign since i could walk. people have known me in places i’d never guess. standding ovations was a regular thing, 1st place, always lead…GOD really blessed me. it’s all him. no one ever said that to me. it’s so sacred it’s like a crystal from heaven. when he said that i felt my heart stop beating. tho i realize it’s domanic, and my husband is being used, i was crushed. My only Safe Haven In under the Giant Feathering of Jesus Christ. The only Man who ever Loved me, and treats me like a gentle delicate Rose. He is my Husband, until God delivers My Husband, or whatever God will do. but i know I’m tucked in Grace and Mercy, and it will be him who answer’s before God’s Throne about the Wife, and Family God gave him, less he repents and turns from His ways. As for me, I’m an overcomer through Jesus. I must move on. i wasn’t left to die when i was a smuck, to put it nicely, and now i wont leave my Husband behind because of Jesus. i would of left long ago without him. today, i love not to get it in return, but for the sake of loving. who knew? forgive, forgive, forgive…it’s what i do, and get in his face, i’m an ex street kid with 5 brothers raised by a merciless controlling traditional Irish power junky/coach. i had to be tough, or die. i’m thinking there’s much for me to learn here, and i love my husband, he’s had a lot of pain growing up too. Jesus loved me to Him for Years. I wouldn’t come. then, oneday like20 yrs later i did, i want to give that to my lost hurting husband. to many of us are left to die. I wont let him be left again. I can do all things through Christ Jesus who Strengthens me. that’s the only way i found works. thanks for your time. In Jesus Name, J.

Leave a Reply