Question: I have been married for 7 years and my husband has cheated on me several times. Forgave him the first time. He is a minister. I found out recently he lied that his first wife cheated. It was him. I also know it is a deep- rooted issue that he needs therapy for because he has a lot to lose if this gets out. He meets them on the Internet and went from chatting to actual physical contact. My question concerns the fact that he did it again and it was someone who was out of state who said they had a year relationship but she only saw him once. Of course she believed the lies he told her with the fake name and occupation. That still amazes me that you can talk with someone for a year and not know their real name and that they are married. Again my question is it has been three weeks since he was busted. He apologized but has not said one thing since then and I refused to continue in the marriage without counseling. Why isn’t he saying anything? There is a couple that knows everything but he still has not admitted it to him. He knows they both know because the wife and I talk everyday. He tried talking to me as though all was good and I let him know absolutely not; I would not proceed as though all was OK. He has since been somewhat bitter with me and acts as if he’s mad at me. The woman said she has never heard from him since he was busted. He has lied and betrayed me…so why is he walking into the house everyday and acting like the elephant is not here? In the past, he apologized and as time passed things would gradually get back to normal. This time it’s not and I refuse to and he knows it. I know this is long and probably complicated but I would appreciate your thoughts. I am starting counseling with or without him next week. D.
Answer: Dear D.: You must have had to do some detective work to catch your husband playing games…yet again. That’s probably why he’s “somewhat bitter.” Why should he look at what he’s done…much less look at what his “is”…if he can find fault with you? He knows your friends know and he’s probably holding that against you, as well.
Good for you for heading for counseling. In my book, there’s no greater hypocrisy than a minister trolling the Internet for illicit sex. Whether you stay or go…it’s going to have to be your call.
It looks to me like you have married a seriously damaged person and you are probably either going to have to continue to factor such incidents into your life on a permanent basis or move on. No matter what the tragedy was that helped form your husband’s attitudes and ethics (or the lack thereof) he is how he is. Often a dishonest and addictive nature is extremely hard to reverse.
Your husband can fool his congregation but fooling the person he lives with is a lot harder to do. You are not seeing remorse. Notice that. Even if you did, it probably would be short-lived. He might just be more careful the “next time.” You deserve better. Blessings. Luise