Question: Dear Luise: I entered a sexless relationship about nine months ago. The woman is generously sweet and has two girls. I am 5 yrs older (40) and am having problems getting through to her that the relationship needs more sexual moments. We have sex 2-3 times a month. Is this normal? I am going to marry this person in 4 months. I love her. She is wonderful and I probably can get used to this inactive sexual lifestyle because she is wonderful and shows me tons of affection. Am I just fooling myself or could this be true. I am used to having sex 5-8 times a week from previous experience. B.
Answer: Dear B.: It might work but the wise thing for most of us is to find someone we are as compatible with as possible. Marriage is often tough enough without a stacked deck. You are making plans to marry but if you were sure, you probably wouldn’t have written to me. Feeling unsure isn’t a very good starting point.
We know we will never find 100% compatibility but we can shoot for the big issues at least. How we handle money, feel about kids, follow or don’t follow our religious preferences; those kinds of issues tend to need to be resolved by like-minded partners. For many, sex is right up there at the top of the list. When it is for one person and it isn’t for another, you are probably asking for trouble.
Problems inevitably come along. Marriage is for life and life can trip us up on a regular basis. If there’s an area where you have a huge difference of opinion, it often becomes a sore point. When things are going smoothly, it may be OK but watch out when life gets dicey…and it will.
You are very different in your sexual needs and expectations. In the final analysis, only you can judge if that difference is going to cause stress and be a stumbling block. We both know there are plenty of guys out there with very willing sexual partners who do not come across as very wonderful to live with on a day-to-day basis. You seem to have the opposite. Aren’t both pretty much out of balance? Are you beginning to find “tons of affection” difficult to live with when it continuously stops there?
What worries me is you seem to have settled for her preferences. That doesn’t sound generous on her part or realistic on yours. I think not being able to “get through to her” is a red flag.
If you really want to continue with the relationship and make it permanent, I would suggest you hold off on marriage and go back to the drawing board. For instance, have you considered counseling? You matter, too, and I don’t get that you are looking for a “wonderful and affectionate” roommate. Blessings, Luise