Question: Dear Luise: Here’s the scoop. I met this absolutely wonderful girl about seven months ago. The two of us have grown quite close to each other since that time. We mutually call each other “best friends” and even still marvel at how close we have become. However, over the past two months or so, I have been feeling so strongly towards her that I simply cannot ignore it. I am old enough to know that just coming out and saying, “Surprise! I love you!” wouldn’t work. To form a strong and long lasting bond, it has to start slow. The problem is, this girl is completely clueless in the most adorable way. I am trying my hardest to just show her how deeply I care for her, through my everyday actions. She consistently tells me that I always flatter her, make her laugh, smile and feel happy. I have even caught her saying something to the effect that she wishes her current boyfriend could say things to her like I do at times. However, it just does not seem to get my point across. Her current boyfriend in the opinion of many is pretty much a jerk. Not a total ass, you know, but a jerk nonetheless. She always tells me how he, “rocks her world” In every aspect of the relationship. (Use your imagination.) However, at times others tend to believe he really doesn’t care about her feelings. For example: He likes to smoke pot, she hates it. He smokes it in front of her, and has even asked her to do it with him. After she starts crying, he apologizes. This girl has such a wonderful forgiving heart…she can’t help but forgive him time and time again for that and other things. Maybe she is just head over heals in “lust” with this guy, maybe she really is “in love” with him or maybe I am just hoping that she is only lusting. (?) Maybe she isn’t ready for a serious relationship, (even though she believes her current relationship to be serious.) I can’t be sure. At the end of the day all I really want is for her to be happy. Her happiness truly and sincerely is my number one priority. But I can’t help being human. I can’t help having my own emotions and feelings of selfishness. I can’t help the way I feel about her. What can I do? Should I just continue my current efforts? The absolute last thing I ever want to do is scare her away. If all I can have at this moment in life is her friendship, then that is what I want to share with her. Is time really the wisest counselor? Thank you so much for your time. G. 🙂
Answer: Dear G.: You are sure up against it. You have no way of knowing how it would all shake out if you said something like ” What do you think about the possibility of promoting me from best friend to boyfriend?” You’re right…it might ruin everything. And yet again…
Or you could say, “How do you do it…have a best friend of the opposite sex? I was able to do it for a while but now I want more.” However, anything like that is a gamble and you are wise to know that.
I think you are taking the best course available to you. You are there for her yet you’re not messing with the existing dynamics of your friendship. It would be wise to ask her not to share the intimate stuff with you, though. Let her know that’s for her girlfriends. And please don’t beat yourself up and call your feelings for her selfish. Your feelings aren’t just “human,” they are sincere and deeply loving. As time, the wise counselor you mentioned above, goes on she may tire of the jerk and be drawn to the positive comparisons she is already making between the two of you. Lets hope! Blessings, Luise