Question: Dear Luise: I am a very mature 20 year-old and have been with my now husband, who is 22, for over 5 years. We have two kids together and have been through so much, both good and bad. Lately I’ve been begging for his attention. He is so into his sports games, chatting with his friends…a typical sportsman. I don’t think he appreciates what he has. I think he still hasn’t matured, or is it that he lost love for me? He’s making me lose love for him by his rejections. There are days where he’s like #1 husband but then the next day he doesn’t care. I am very confused. Thank you for listening. D.
Answer: Dear D. You picked a sportsman for a partner. He is going to be distracted by sports some of the time and he is going to want to spend time with other like-minded guys.
Maturing is a strange thing and it’s no wonder you’re confused. Some people mature faster than others and some, unfortunately, never do much maturing at all. Women are often forced to mature early because of the demands of child-rearing. Men often mature in a different way. It happens at work where they learn, (hopefully), to become responsible and skilled at what they do. However, when they leave work, all bets are off and the immature and somewhat selfish person often reappears. That doesn’t happen to the wife/mother because she never “leaves work.”
Do you realize what a remarkable job you are both doing? Your husband may not seem to appreciate what he’s got but isn’t that the case with you , too, at times? It’s easy to take a marriage that’s working for granted. The years come and the years go and the kids start growing up and heading for school and you don’t always the the overview of how incredible you both are.
If there’s any way you can get into a hobby with some like-minded friends and create your own interests outside of the home…that could be very rewarding. If your needs aren’t always being met, look to see where you can become your own advocate. Most women think it is their husband’s job to bring them happiness but he is really only one source of happiness…and it’s too big a job for any one person. Take on part of the job yourself and you will find that it can be a fun project.
It’s a denial of responsibility to say that your husband is “making” you lose your love for him. He’s just being who he is and it doesn’t mean he loves you any less. You are losing love for him all on your own, if that’s what’s happening.
Focus on those good times and on the good days and move beyond looking for perfection or even predictable consistency. Count your blessings and broaden your horizons. You deserve a fuller life. Give yourself one! Blessings, Luise