Question: Dear Luise: I’m a single parent. I want to have a social life, meet men, and perhaps even marry but my children scare them off. When I meet a man and don’t say anything, I feel I am being dishonest. After they find out, they head for the hills, anyhow. Is there a way out of this? Thanks. Barbara
Answer: Dear Barbara: You have made choices in the past that have brought you to this spot in the present. You may need to make peace with that and see that even if you find yourself out on a limb, socially, you wouldn’t trade your kids for anything.
Children may be seen as unattractive to some men, but that’s not true across the board. You seem to be meeting superficial guys, or guys who have been burned, or guys who are paying child support and can’t face your situation. Such men are probably afraid to get to know you for fear they might like you too much and the cost might be too high.
If you are being introduced to such guys by friends, you’d better talk with said friends about their match-making efforts. Let them know what’s not working and ask them not to propose such disasters in the future. If you are going out dancing and meeting men there, that’s not a gold mine of opportunity. You need to meet a different caliber of guy to find someone who would see you and your kids as interesting. There are some men who truly love kids, you know.
I would suggest you join a chapter of “Parents Without Partners” where you don’t need to make any initial explanations or try to cover it up and then have to say, “surprise”, later. If you are so inclined, join a church that offers an active social calendar. Look around at work for single, male friends that know and like you.
Most of all, enjoy these full years that your children offer you and you offer them. They will fly by all too quickly and you will find yourself unencumbered all too soon. Blessings, Luise