Question: Dear Luise: I’m a 45 years old man, who struggled to come to the U.S. since 2005 illegally. Why I came is the story of many people who want to get a better income and a better life for the family left behind. When I’ve decided to make the journey I didn’t know my partner was pregnant. That is because we are not married. I’m a person who always makes things for the family but I don’t tell them until I have it complete and then I give them the surprise. Now, four years later, my partner told me by phone she wants to move on or at least give herself a chance with someone else who she is been dating from a while. We have a little girl that I don’t know yet. I know I’ve left them alone long time but was for a better future for us and I love her very much. Let me state the fact that I’ve never stop supporting my family economically. Right now I’m planning on going back to my country to try to save my family. I want to get together again, raise my daughter and watch her grow. The problem is many people tell me I should not go back because the situation is worse there. But I do not want to lose my family and I do not want my baby to grow up with someone who is not her father, even though he could take care of her with kindness because she is the daughter of the woman who is with him. I think even though money is important, family matters the most. Please excuse me my English; I’m still learning. God Bless You. H.
Answer: Dear H.: Your English is wonderful. I don’t even speak a second language. If I had to talk to you in your native tongue, I would have to use sign language!
You have taken on one of the most difficult situations I know of, and that is a long-term, long-distance relationship. Very few survive. There are too many issues and often unspoken expectations. For instance; you may plan a surprise but your lady may not know that and become discouraged.
To make what you have taken on work, you both have to have a deep commitment and faithfulness. If she is “dating” and at the same time, accepting your financial support, she may have moved on already. The two don’t go together.
Choosing between money and family at this time takes you right back to where you started. You left the woman you loved to seek a better life for your “family.” I hope I’m wrong but I think there’s a strong chance that your “family” doesn’t exist and a return to your homeland will only bring you heartache and loss. I know this may sound cruel, but her little girl appeared very conveniently after you left and the assumption that she is yours has brought her a steady income. If there is no facility for a paternity test, I think you may be taking a lot for granted.
Listen to your wise friends and listen to your heart. Look closely to see if your hopes and dreams are connected to reality. Four years is a long time. It’s a long time to be raising a child alone for her and it’s a long time to be away from what was once familiar and comfortable for you. Look seriously at staying where you are and at getting on with your own life since the lady in question has said that’s what she wants to do. Your life lies ahead of you. Blessings, Luise