Question: Dear Luise: me and my fiance have been together off and on since we were 12 and im 20 now, but when i was 16 i cheated on him with a mutual friend and i thought he forgave me. after we got back togeher things we’re great and he proposed to me but not in a genuine kind of way. no ring no down on one knee just kinda of out of no where and i couldn’t believe he would do that he knew i drempt about that forever. then we were partying one night at his brothers and i told me he had been smoking pot behind my back for a year, and im 100% against any kind of drug use. now i feel like i cant trust him at all, and we fight all the time first because i couldn’t trust him and now because of everything he’s laid off and doesnt seem to even be trying to get a job, so i have to go to work and do everything at home and im just tiered and dont know what to do anymore. i know i deserve better, but i still really love him deep down, i think. sometimes i think im afraid to leave him because we’ve been together so long i just dont want to make a huge mistake weather its leaving him or staying with him. please help me. thanks, A.
Answer: Dear A.: The person we pick out at age 12 may not be the one that works for us after we mature. You may have messed with your own childhood by connecting with someone eighteen when you were still a little girl. For instance, I was focused on Girl Scouts at age that age. I know times are different but people aren’t; not really.
What is so hard for most of us to accept is that we can trust people to be who they are…not who we want them to be. Please remember that he has the experience of not being able to trust you to be who he wanted you to be, either.
The most important thing for you to look at, I think, is that we can love someone that we can’t live happily with. Love doesn’t guarantee compatibility, integrity, trustworthiness and respect. Those things are what we need in a partner and need to develop in ourselves.
You are growing out of the relationship. That’s what it looks like to me and that isn’t often easy or pleasant to follow through on. However, it is necessary. You are right, you do deserve better and only you can create that by being your own advocate. Blessings, Luise