Question: my son is 13 and also takes every little thing out on me. he can be very cold for days sometimes weeks. i am the only one looking after him and caring about him. but also the only one he hates. i think he feels trapped that its just me. his dad met someone else while i was pregnant.we both planned to have a baby. dads not interested in him.my worst fear is that he will always take things out on me whenever he has a problem with anything. my instinct told me that he will. and now im reading about it here. MY QUESTION IS : my sons birthday is coming up and most years my son has a lot of presents from me which i cant really afford but he never remembers and always says he didnt get much. and because he wont stop punishing me for every little thing even the weather, i dont feel like spending money on him. i am thinking of getting him nothing this year. he hates me anyway so why should i give him money to wast ewhen we are struggling. i have nothing he has laptop psp playstations etc ect . it may make him realise that i wont buy his love THE MORE I SPEND ON HIM THE NASTIER HE GETS. so it seems like the only thing to do. i feel so deprived of love from my son that i want another child . this seems a wrong reason to have another one. my son is cold and calculated for days even weeks at a time and i have no idea why i think he thinks if hes not happy why the should I be. this is behaviour you expect from a 5 year old isnt it. i support my son with every little problem. maybe thats where i went wrong. i should have left some problems at least for him to deal with himself at a much younger age. i can also predict that when my son is older he too will join forces with his dad and hate me. i see it coming not just because of this site. by reading this site and others it seems to me that the less support the mother has from others the more vulnerable you are to your children. and the more they hate you.and take advantage. really they hate that you are vulnerable in the first place and i think they feel overwelmed with guilt and responsibility for you and they take that out on you! maybe thats it. S.
Answer: Dear S.: Boys that age often do that kind of thing when they have two parents that get along well. He is at the age where he doesn’t want to be a baby and he is terrified of what becoming an adult may ask of him. Many boys get confused about what the role of the mother is and where they fit into it and take all of their anxiety out on her.
Buying gifts isn’t the answer because the issue is much deeper; impending separation. I would ask him what he felt was indicated, gift-wise, based on his attitude toward you and the fact that your efforts in the past haven’t brought him joy or improved your relationship. As him what he would do if your roles were reversed.
My caution is to never have a child for the express purpose of finding love. The love of a baby is dependency. What you probably need is counseling to help you establish self-love. Please look for an advocate and support. Blessings, Luise