Question: Dear Luise: I am going to marry my fiancé in one months time, but we have never had sex because she is a Christian and it has been very hard for me to struggle with this and not take out my frustrations on her. I am a 29 year old male non-Christian who has only ever has sex a couple of times. My fiancé is a 35 year old with a ten year-old son who has in the past had sex with about ten different men plenty of times, but who then became a Christian and has not had sex for the last ten years. It really, really hurts me down inside to not be able to have sex with her when I know that she has already done so, so many times with so many different partners in the past and I haven’t. How do I resolve this because I have tried to be so good and respect her wishes not to have sex before marriage, but it seems so dam hypocritical as she has done it for others and I am so jealous of her and of every man whose girlfriend will have sex with him. PLEASE HELP ME. P.
Answer: Dear P.: You only have another month to wait and yet you are writing to me. I wonder if that isn’t because you are noticing a basic incompatibility that concerns you. I doubt very much if it is about abstinence.
You know that when adults go into a partnership, their past is left behind. We all have a past whether we talk about it or not and it will eat us alive if we dwell on where our partner has been, with whom and why. That was then and this is now. To obsess on it is to look for trouble and you will find it.
I think you are actually reacting to having differing belief systems. That’s just a guess, but I think that’s what’s going on. Your fiancé has been true to her present beliefs for the last ten years. Before that she was operating from another belief system.
I predict that she is not going to be OK with your beliefs and is going to want you to embrace hers. She may have been indoctrinated that that’s the right way to go and if so, she will probably be relentless. You, in turn, would have embraced her religion by now if you were going to. Unfortunately, it looks to me like there will be many disagreements ahead if you don’t.
You are a healthy, male adult in a culture where sexual expression is usually part of a committed relationship, married or not. She has made you bend to her will and that, in turn, has brought about resentment that has shown itself in inappropriate jealousy toward those in her past who weren’t treated that way and toward others you know who are more fortunate.
I see you as ill-suited and headed for trouble. She is imposing her beliefs on you and you are reacting in a normal manner to that pressure. To call that kind of treatment “love” is quite a stretch of the imagination. I suggest you go back to the drawing board and look further for a more suitable wife and a joyful union. Blessings, Luise