Question: Dear Luise: I have been in a 5 yr. relationship since I was 20 yrs. old. We have lived together for about 2 yrs. now, and I cannot say my relationship has been totally negative because it has also been a great experience for me. I love him with all my heart but lately things have not been too great. I can say that they have probably escalated downwards for about a couple of months. The reason I say this is because I’m not sexually attracted to him anymore, and to tell you the truth I’m not even sure if it’s sexually that I’m not attracted because when we do get intimate, then I eventually get into it and enjoy it. However, I’m not the initiator; if it were upon me then it could go for weeks. Do keep in mind that when I go out with friends I keep a look out for guys that Ii may be interested in or perhaps someone that may offer me what I’m looking for. Just to give a brief insight in my relationship; I’m the one that works and provides for both us. It’s has been hard for him to get a job that lasts longer then 2 months. He has just started working, and I can say that his attitude has changed to a self-confident one. However, what my question is; I will my relationship’s sparks and butterflies ever come back like they were before? Am I with him because I’m afraid of not finding someone or being alone looks too scary? Or is my relationship long gone with the wind because I’m not madly in love with him like I used? I care for him, I really do but sometimes I can’t stand him asking me if I want to have sex. I immediately shut down when he says that. It’s not original. He always asks the same way; same everything. There’s no passion anymore. Please help; I need advice very badly. Some of my friends say that I should break up with him because he doesn’t care for me, although I think he does despite the situation we are in. Thank you, I hope to hear your response…I’m desperately in need of advice. M.
Answer: Dear M.: A problem that is only two months old may just be temporary. On the other hand, if that’s not the case, you are pretty young to have the fireworks be over for good.
Low self-esteem can drive a man into depression. And depression can blunt sexual desire. Approach and technique are highly individualized but after five years there are usually few surprises left. New and different can get easily factored out. That’s the truth about relationships. Novelty makes way for other things, like increased maturity and compatibility. Love can have many faces.
You have to decide in your heart if you are going to grow into the relationship or grow out of it. Certainly, shopping for guys when you are out (even if it’s just in your imagination) is a sign that you may not be ready to stay settled down. You were pretty young to make that kind of choice. I did the same thing at 20 and didn’t make it…yet some do.
Talking with your friends may not be of much help because everyone is so different. Talk to your guy. Ask him what his expectations were and if they’re being met. Tell him yours. It may be time to go your separate ways or it may be time to re-commit. Face up to it…together. Blessings, Luise