Is this Sexless Relationship My Fault

Question: Dear Luise: My boyfriend is 44 years old. I on the other hand am 26. I’m a little overweight but very attractive. I’m always getting told how pretty I am. I’ve been with my BF for 1 yr so far and yes we’ve had our differences about petty little thing but we worked them out. Now things are great except one thing…we went from having sex twice a day to once a month and then it’s not the complete act.  He can’t seem to function any other way. He says it’s him not me. My question is could he be tired of me? I love this man very much and want to spend the rest of my life with him. He says he feels the same. Is it possible to have a sexless relationship?? Help please! H.

Answer:
Dear H. Sure it’s possible to have a sexless relationship and marriage, if that’s what you want. It’s probably a lot more common than any of us know. The question is; do you want to live that way?

My take is that it’s not your fault, the reason being that things went well at first and you haven’t changed…he has. Many men find the responsibility of being the performer very difficult to maintain, long-term. Women can fake it, men can’t.  If he is interested in resolution, he must be well aware that he can probably be helped medically. The fact that he hasn’t solved the problem that way may indicate that there is an underlying issue. Not you or your weight…something in him that is fearful or off is some other way.

We all get a lot of misinformation regarding sex as we are growing up and many of us come up with some pretty serious psychological scars that can affect us physically. Sometimes counseling can help and sometimes it appears to be ineffective or is rejected. In this whole area, the men are the ones who can be most seriously challenged and damaged.

Bottom line, it’s his issue and yet whether to stay or go is yours. Many women have tried and failed. Short-term compassion may not successfully morph into a lifetime of sacrifice. However, women who have similar issues themselves may feel relieved. The real casualties are the women who feel dishonored, rejected and insecure…and who stay in the relationship at great personal cost. Only you know which one you are. Blessings, Luise

4 Responses to Is this Sexless Relationship My Fault

  1. A. September 16, 2009 at 8:36 pm #

    My partner no longer has sex with me; she claims that I don’t listen to her and that we don’t communication anymore so it has affected her sexual expression. After six years I don’t think that it is fair. She said she loves me but we still aren’t having sex. What should I do? A.

    • Luise September 17, 2009 at 10:12 am #

      It’s very handy to ignore what is going on personally and blame another person for our behavior. It’s also childish and can be cruel. Relationships evolve and people differ in their physical needs. Some go on when the novelty wears off and some quit. Your partner needs to take responsibility for her attitudes and behaviors because nothing can be addressed that is denied. Sexual expression is also “communication” and she’s not listening. Life isn’t always fair but talking about love and being loving can be two different things. It’s time to confront what’s going on and see if you two care enough about each other to sort it out. Step one is to pass on blame. It’s the quintessential cop-out.

  2. A. November 2, 2011 at 6:52 pm #

    Dear luise,
    I have been with my boy friend nearly 2 years. We don’t live together. We love each other to death. He is a wonderful person who only wants to take care of me 24/7 and does everything he can to make me happy.
    We had a healthy sex life the first 6 months to 1 year. Now it is been almost a year we don’t have sex. I believe the sex drive is gone for both of us. I also don’t feel any desire towards him and he became more of a best friend or brother somehow but the passion is gone. He says he is ashamed of how overweight he currently is and might not be able to function properly.
    However a year has gone by and all we have done from time to time is to discuss the matter but nothing has changed.
    I love him a lot and will never find someone that cares for me the way he does. He tells me I am often angry and annoying and my attitude has changed towrds him. I sometimes feel overwelmed by his attention but I know we are not 100% because our sexless relationship.
    I am only 29 and he just turned 41. We are obviously growing apart in this sense.

    Do you think there is anything that can be done or is it too late and we need to face the fact that it is over for us eventhought we love each other so much. A.

    • Luise November 18, 2011 at 12:32 pm #

      It looks t ome like you both have a lot to deal with. If you can agree to going to counseling together…it may be well worth it. However, both of you have to want to see it though. If only one of you wants to do that (and it’is not easy) and the other wants to ignore what is happening…then you need to move on. You deserve so much better…both of you.

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