Question: Dear Luise: My boyfriend is 44 years old. I on the other hand am 26. I’m a little overweight but very attractive. I’m always getting told how pretty I am. I’ve been with my BF for 1 yr so far and yes we’ve had our differences about petty little thing but we worked them out. Now things are great except one thing…we went from having sex twice a day to once a month and then it’s not the complete act. He can’t seem to function any other way. He says it’s him not me. My question is could he be tired of me? I love this man very much and want to spend the rest of my life with him. He says he feels the same. Is it possible to have a sexless relationship?? Help please! H.
Answer: Dear H. Sure it’s possible to have a sexless relationship and marriage, if that’s what you want. It’s probably a lot more common than any of us know. The question is; do you want to live that way?
My take is that it’s not your fault, the reason being that things went well at first and you haven’t changed…he has. Many men find the responsibility of being the performer very difficult to maintain, long-term. Women can fake it, men can’t. If he is interested in resolution, he must be well aware that he can probably be helped medically. The fact that he hasn’t solved the problem that way may indicate that there is an underlying issue. Not you or your weight…something in him that is fearful or off is some other way.
We all get a lot of misinformation regarding sex as we are growing up and many of us come up with some pretty serious psychological scars that can affect us physically. Sometimes counseling can help and sometimes it appears to be ineffective or is rejected. In this whole area, the men are the ones who can be most seriously challenged and damaged.
Bottom line, it’s his issue and yet whether to stay or go is yours. Many women have tried and failed. Short-term compassion may not successfully morph into a lifetime of sacrifice. However, women who have similar issues themselves may feel relieved. The real casualties are the women who feel dishonored, rejected and insecure…and who stay in the relationship at great personal cost. Only you know which one you are. Blessings, Luise