Sexless in Seattle and It’s Messings Us Up

Question: Hello, Luise: I am writing because I need some advice regarding my current relationship. As it stands right now, my girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for around a year and we have not had sex yet. She doesn’t seem to understand the importance of sex in a relationship to me, and I have talked about it with her before. To me, I feel like I’m missing out on a huge part of our relationship and I’m not sure what to do. Also, after this long I am feeling less attracted to her too, which I really hate to say because I feel like I’m not supposed to feel like that just because I’m not getting sex. Neither of us has had sex yet, but to me this shouldn’t really be a problem after a year taking into account that we both love each other. I am also feeling sociatial pressure as I’m now in my 20’s and in a sexless relationship. Please help me, I’m not sure what to do. A. O.

Answer: Dear A. O.: In our culture, it is now highly unusual for two people in their twenties to both be virgins, as I’m sure you know. When I was your age it was the norm and I can see a lot of pros and cons regarding both approaches to being sexually active.

What I find worrisome is that your girlfriend is not as uncomfortable as you are. Abstaining may have once been the norm but I can guarantee that my generation, including me, found it miserable. Dating someone for a year and being in a monogamous, sexless relationship should have put both of you under extreme pressure.

It’s quite possible that your waning interest is directly connected to your girlfriend’s indifference. I think it’s a red flag. You can find a person compatible, interesting and in all ways suitable but if there’s no passion, it’s my humble opinion that you are in deep guano. It’s true that the initial sexual passion matures into a deeper connection, with time, but to start out without it is unhealthy, in my book. You are going to be marrying a roommate because once you marry there is no “on” button. Sexual interaction may take place but I doubt it will satisfy.

I would like to suggest that your girlfriend is a great candidate for a close and much loved friend and that you should look elsewhere for the love of your life. There’s a big difference between loving someone and being “in love” with someone. Passion creates a connection like none other and it’s what gets us through the tough times that life is sure to bring our way. Blessings, Luise

3 Responses to Sexless in Seattle and It’s Messings Us Up

  1. bobby chavez January 22, 2007 at 11:58 pm #

    Sex ends friendship and Love starts families

  2. Sonia May 24, 2009 at 3:01 pm #

    Hi. I moved in with my Girlfriend fast. Right from the start I saw a sex problem and when I brought it up the answer was that she was scared of getting hurt and to give her some time. I loved her and said i would wait for ever for her. Well, it’s turning into forever. We haven’t made love in years. So many fights about it. Since it’s been going on for years I’m afraid this is how it will always be for me. I hate to leave her and I will miss her but I feel so alone. R.

    • Luise May 24, 2009 at 3:31 pm #

      Dear R. A relationship that doesn’t work for one person, is a relationship that is not working. You’ve gone way beyond where most guys would go after your girlfriend asked you to give her some time.

      Leaving is going to be painful but there is a strong chance that you will love again in a much more normal and satisfying way. Staying would be painful, too…but the odds are it would just stay painful.

      It seems to me that it’s way past time for you to do what you have to do to get your life back on track. Blessings, Luise

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