Quuestion: Dear Luise: I really need help! There is this guy who has given up on dating. I would love to date him and I think he would like to date me. (He’s just scared he’ll get hurt again.) He wants to have sex with me but not go out. I’ve asked him to give dating one more try with me. He said he wasn’t going to date anymore. I’d really love to have sex with him, but am also trying to make a wise choice. PLEASE help me! A.
Answer: Dear A.: I think he is just a little more honest than most. For a lot of guys, a social date is just the “setting”. The end result being sought is sexual. It’s no wonder some tire of the “game.”
Also, many men out there only pretend interest on a deeper level. When marriages fail, that is often the greatest complaint…there was no real, sustained, mutual, interactive interest beyond sex. And as the complaints continue, even that fades. It is very easy to trip over unrealistic and unspoken expectations and serious, basic differences.
Be careful. We all get hurt when we want people, places and things to be different than they are. If he has had repeated disappointments in relationships he may not be introspective enough to realize how he has contributed to that by making poor choices, giving too little of himself to the partnerships or both.
Don’t you think that a man who decides that women are just for sex and don’t need to be respected as interesting friends might be reflecting a pretty immature and selfish attitude? Or have you considered the opposite, that there’s a chance a friendship might actually develop in the course of multiple, non-date evenings together?
What does it say to you that you are already in conflict?
Women usually seek companionship. Is that what you want? Take a closer look. Do you want him to be different than he is? As I mentioned above, that’s the worst mistake any of us can make, to not accept “what is” and to keep agonizing about “what isn’t.”
The other side of the coin is to ask yourself what it is about the guy that appeals to you? Why would you “love to date him?” Is he funny, warm, interesting? What? Do you get that a date to have sex is still a date? It isn’t externally social but it has structure. Look closely at your own needs. Why are you considering him?
Everything I have written is to just to get you to thinking.
Bottom line: guessing doesn’t cut it. Something about the guy has brought you to this point. You could always just wade in and see what it is. Not to change him or to even wish he were different…just to see what’s there…(if anything.) How big a gamble would that be? Blessings, Luise