Question: Dear Luise: I have been seeing a man who is married. His wife left him 3 months ago. I wasn’t expecting to meet him and fall head over heels for him. His wife has no plans to come back but he is having a problem letting her go. Our relationship has gotten sexual and stronger. He keeps on telling me that he likes what we have and he enjoys every bit of our time together, but he runs every time she calls, even though she doesn’t want him. What can I do or say to see where I truly stand. I am so confused. Please help me before I get hurt. Thank you, Mary
Answer: Dear Mary: I think you know where you stand and you have already been hurt, haven’t you? You must know that the situation you’re in is a pretty serious gamble. It hasn’t stabilized and it could go either way. The reason you are confused is because the guy is confused. His wife may be, too.
If you don’t want to pull back and wait until he knows what he wants, the only other thing that you can do to protect yourself is to take it one day at a time. The odds of your getting hurt further are very high.
A long-term relationship can have deep meaning to the couple involved even after they have separated. A lot of pros and cons can stack up over the years and a clear decision isn’t easy to reach for those involved. There are often no blacks or whites because the marriage is such a mix. A split can be a statement …not a final result.
You are getting in deeper and deeper…yet, at this time, it’s really not about you. That’s hard to face but as long as he reacts to his wife’s calls the way he does, he’s not really available. He’s using you to distract himself from what’s going on and he’s seeking comfort in your arms. Of course he wants you to stay…for now.
It all boils down to how tough you are or how realistic you can be about dating a married man, even when he’s separated. Maybe both. If you can back off and still stay…you may be OK. Blessings, Luise