Where Do I Stand with a Separated/Married Man

Question: Dear Luise: I have been seeing a man who is married. His wife left him 3 months ago. I wasn’t expecting to meet him and fall head over heels for him. His wife has no plans to come back but he is having a problem letting her go. Our relationship has gotten sexual and stronger. He keeps on telling me that he likes what we have and he enjoys every bit of our time together, but he runs every time she calls, even though she doesn’t want him. What can I do or say to see where I truly stand. I am so confused. Please help me before I get hurt. Thank you, Mary

Answer: Dear Mary: I think you know where you stand and you have already been hurt, haven’t you? You must know that the situation you’re in is a pretty serious gamble. It hasn’t stabilized and it could go either way. The reason you are confused is because the guy is confused. His wife may be, too.

If you don’t want to pull back and wait until he knows what he wants, the only other thing that you can do to protect yourself is to take it one day at a time. The odds of your getting hurt further are very high.

A long-term relationship can have deep meaning to the couple involved even after they have separated. A lot of pros and cons can stack up over the years and a clear decision isn’t easy to reach for those involved. There are often no blacks or whites because the marriage is such a mix. A split can be a statement …not a final result.

You are getting in deeper and deeper…yet, at this time, it’s really not about you. That’s hard to face but as long as he reacts to his wife’s calls the way he does, he’s not really available. He’s using you to distract himself from what’s going on and he’s seeking comfort in your arms. Of course he wants you to stay…for now.

It all boils down to how tough you are or how realistic you can be about dating a married man, even when he’s separated. Maybe both. If you can back off and still stay…you may be OK. Blessings, Luise

13 Responses to Where Do I Stand with a Separated/Married Man

  1. J. August 6, 2008 at 1:26 pm #

    I met a married man almost 9 years ago and when we met he told me he was separated. We hit it off right away on the first night, like everyone says soul mates. We continued dating for a few months. I was falling for him real bad when I got a call form his wife! Who then informed me that they were still together. We broke up after that for a few months and reconciled later. We had an understanding; I was the side girlfriend. I continued to date other people and still see him whenever we could see each other. We both had grown really close and I know he loved me. He helped me out in numerous ways and took time off to be with me almost every week, made sure he could get TDY in the town I lived in to be with me and we went on vacations here and there. Unfortunately, I always put him first and everyone else second. Well, eventually I met someone, my boyfriend tried to deter me from making this mistake. But I got married and had another child. My boyfriend and I broke up again and I thought I had moved on. But I always wanted to remain friends no matter what. I felt we could always do that and he always said no, either we’re together or we’re not. My current husband and I started to have problems and I ran back to him again. My husband and I are now getting a divorce and I met another man who is PERFECT and is everything I want. I saw my ex-boyfriend again for a little while and all the feelings came rushing back to me. I let out all kind of feelings that I usually hold back and he did too. He asked me something about having a baby with him (his wife won’t have anymore), talking about if we were really going to be together and sorry that he couldn’t be there for me during an incident last year and so on. Within a few days I sent him a message telling him it was over for good, I didn’t want to be friends/lovers anymore and that I was done. I met someone who is everything I ever wanted we’ve moved in together and have plans on getting married. I told me ex-boyfriend this and he is upset that I’m getting married again and won’t even speak to me. I’m just confused on how he can just be so mean after everything and all these years. J.

  2. Luise August 6, 2008 at 3:12 pm #

    Answer: Dear J. What a rocky road! Kind of like growing up with your kids, isn’t it? There is no way we can ever figure out why others do what they do. Our job is try to try figure out why we do what we do. (Like why you were willing “settle” for all of those years.)If your ex-boyfriend can’t accept your moving on…then he just can’t. Don’t let confusion take you over. Turn the page and start a new life without all of the lying and cheating in it. Blessings, Luise

  3. M. September 11, 2010 at 7:29 am #

    Hi. I am a 36 years old guy dating a 66 years old man who still living with his ex and they have been together for 16 year. I just can’t bear this situation anymore. He doesn’t want to leave his ex and move on with me instead he wants us to be together during the weekend only and i just don’t know what i should do as this situation is hurting me too much and i am felling used by him. Please give me some advise.

    • Luise September 21, 2010 at 5:29 pm #

      You are feeling used because that’s what’s happening. What you want isn’t part of the picture. I think it’s time to move on to a relationship where you are valued and respected.

  4. J October 18, 2010 at 3:22 pm #

    Hi, I’m 20 years old and was “dating” a man who is twice my age and married (although separated for 17 years). I left him 2 weeks ago after 2 years- of- him, being “confused”. I quoted the Bible, and told him I couldn’t be with him. I know it is the correct thing, because he is used to having relationships in the situation he is in. I joined a group for love addicts, and was doing better but then he called. Ofcourse he does not plan to fix anything because he is “not ready”, but he shakes my world. Emotions are at the edge. And I called him yesterday, and told him I loved him, he said he loved me too but that I was really clear and asked for a break-up. I feel awful becasue I know I deserve a real relationship and I know the man I love and laughs at my not so good jokes, does not want me in his life, the way I wish he were in mine.
    He wants to talk as friends, but I think it’s healthy. He doesn’t want me dating anyone right now, and I asked him the same. His answer was, “I’ll think about it.”
    This was my first relationship and It hurts horribly. J.

    • Luise October 20, 2010 at 9:18 pm #

      You deserve so much better but if you don’t value yourself enough to find it, you will continue to take whatever crumbs he throws your way. Get some counseling…and work on self-esteem. You’re worth it! Blessings, Luise

  5. C. April 29, 2011 at 10:01 am #

    i HAVE BEEN DATING A MARRIED MAN OFF AND ON SINCE SEPT 2009. WE MEET ONLINE AND HAVE BEEN SEXUAL MANY TIMES. HIS WIFE IS ETHIOPIAN & THEY HAVE SMALL CHILDREN. HE TOLD ME HE LOVES ME BUT WANTS TO HAVE 3 SOMES. WE DID TWO TOGETHER BUT HE IS STILL ASKING FOR MORE, NEEDLESS TO SAY I AM TIRED OF THIS.
    HE HAS DONE NOTHING THOUGHTFUL FOR ME IN OUR TIME. ALTHOUGH WE HAVE HAD SOME FUN TIMES. I DO LOVE HIM BUT RECENTLY WE ENDED IT. HE IS NOT AVAILABLE & I TOLD HIM TO WORL IT OUT WITH HIS WIFE. I NEED TO BE NUMBER ONE PERIOD. C.

    • Luise April 29, 2011 at 12:34 pm #

      He sounds like a loser to me. You deserve a lot better than that.

  6. J. May 7, 2011 at 7:16 am #

    good day im 26 years old i just wanna ask you if it possible remarried if i separed for 8 years? J.

    • Luise May 7, 2011 at 10:12 am #

      I don’t know where you live or what the laws are but as far as I know…no one can get remarried without getting divorced first.

  7. R.. November 20, 2011 at 9:42 am #

    This has helped me alot because i am in the situaton and can see both sides.But in the end its about doing whats right…R.

  8. M. October 4, 2012 at 9:10 pm #

    hi
    I met a guy since first day, we click and we are passionate together, but he told me he was single, although now that we continue dating he told me the truth and he says that he is still married and he will divorce in January next year, suddenly he told me after I questioned him seriously, bad side is I am getting obsessed with him, he tells me a lot about his properties that he purchases, what do I mean to him? he says i am sexually attracted to him, what should I tell him about this situation when I feel I am falling for him? M.

    • Luise Volta October 21, 2012 at 6:28 pm #

      M. My take is that you would be wise to run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. The guy is bad news and will umdoubtedly bring you grief. You deseve a whole lot better. Blessings, Luise

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