Question: Dear Luise: I’m 18. Growing up, my family has always told me to wait until I’m married to have sex. I just turned 18 a few months ago and my cousin is 5 months older then me and right after she turned 18, she stared having sex. I don’t want to have sex until I’m married, but the pressure is on me. I want my first time to be the most special moment in my life. However I feel like no man will wait on me. What do I do? How do I tell my future boyfriend I want to wait? How do I make sure he doesn’t cheat on me? What can I do to keep the romance alive until marriage? K.
Answer: Dear K.: Your family will probably want to shoot me for this but it seems to me that you need to get into the present and stop agonizing about the future…especially promises to yourself and/or others about what you will (or won’t) do. You really have no idea.
I joined an anti-smoking/drinking group when I was 12. My mother made me take back my pledge card and pin because she said I had no idea what I would or wouldn’t do when I grew up. She didn’t smoke or drank, she just wanted me to see how foolish it was to try to make future decisions in the present. (For the record, I don’t smoke or drink either but those were adult decisions that I made when the time was right.)
First of all for most of us our initial sexual experience isn’t that memorable. It is a skill that needs to be learned by both parties. Secondly, you will know whether it is right for you or not when the time comes…married or not. Thirdly, you don’t know what a man will or won’t do for you or you for him until the situation presents itself and last but not least…cheating men cheat and loyal men don’t. You haven’t even met the guy yet, right? Find one that is “true-blue” and you’re home free.
There are times to plan ahead, for instance regarding schooling, but even there you need to leave room for revisions when the time comes. People change majors, schools and careers. Nothing is cast in granite. Marriage vows are forever “if” you are not seriously abused…(and there are many kinds of abuse.)
At 18, focus on what each day brings your way and give it your best shot. I am 83 years old and I am still doing that. It works like a charm. Blessings, Luise