Question: Dear Luise: Recently I lost my mother. It was in August of this year. She died of lung cancer. I am really missing my mom like any thing! It was so sudden. It all happened in only one month. It was confirmed after she had a bad cough. Otherwise, she was normal. It is really so hard and horrible to accept death. I am feeling very lost and lonely. Sometimes I’m very restless and don’t feel like working. What to do? I feel so very sad. Please help me to learn how to recover from it. D.
Answer: Dear D.: When this happens, and we are separated from our mothers with such finality, each and every one of us is left alone with it. That’s the hardest part. You lost your mother just a few months ago. How you are feeling is the only way you could possibly feel so soon after her death. You need time. We all do.
Most of us aren’t brought up to accept that death happens to everyone and unless we precede her in death, we are all going to lose our mothers. We are not taught that death is natural, normal and inevitable. Death isn’t understood. How can it be? Like life…it’s a mystery.
We are meant to go on…to move through grief without getting stuck there, to find new friends and new interests and to focus on living. How do we do that? Usually with extreme difficulty. Loss is real and it is terrible. Some never recover and that’s a high price to pay for love. We are part of a parade in which there is a beginning, a middle and an end for each participant. We join it when we are born and we leave it when we die. No one, absolutely no one, stays. Fighting the master plan, anguishing over it takes energy that we don’t have and we will never win. That’s the way it is.
Why not move, when you can, into gratitude. Why not start a gratitude list and dedicate it to your mother. Keep going over it every night before you go to bed and keep adding to it. Your mother gave you life as her mother gave her life. Celebrate your lovely relationship in gratitude and joy. Healing will follow. Blessings, Luise