Question: Dear Luise: I feel like I am stuck in my current relationship. I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years…however, he is still married. (I found out about a year ago). His wife is not my issue we have met several times. We bring our kids to the others kids birthday parties, and his kids spend time with me and my family. This is a huge spiritual conflict for me, because I was brought up in the church. Though they act as if they no longer have a relationship, he is still married. Though he always states it’s paper only, it bothers me. He spends most of his time with my family; we are always together for holidays. But, I am tired of waiting for him. He was in another relationship when I met him, so that was drama. He has cheated on me, and in return I have cheated on him (though never caught). I am so ready to end this, but I feel like I am stuck. Don’t get me wrong he is not all bad, he will give you the shirt off of his back, and have it tailored to fit you. I think I have stayed for some of the wrong reasons, however, honestly, I do love him. Recently, he went on a trip to Brazil, and he has gone back 3 times since. The last time he stayed for 3 weeks. Shortly after he returned I went through his phone, and noticed that he had been talking to a girl over there. I went through his phone a couple of weeks later and texted the young lady because they were still communicating. I spoke to her and she told me that he was her Fiancé. I almost died (he had only known her 5 months). I kept trying to figure out why would he put a ring on a ladies finger that is thousands of miles away? She stated that the ring was so big that she is scared to wear it. Before me, he had planned to marry his last girlfriend, and bought her a $12,085 ring. He told me that he had sold this ring when times had gotten hard for him. But, I think he gave the ring to the other lady. When I confronted him he told me that he was going to tell her to change her number, and that’s what she did, because recently I’ve tried to call her and have had no luck. Even though this situation is thousands of miles away, it has me sick and very insecure. He claims that everything that he is doing in Brazil is purely business based, and that I have nothing to worry about. He states that what he is doing is going to benefit us both in the end. And, yes don’t forget that this man legally still has a wife! I am tired, and I have been ready to leave, however, I borrowed some money for him once, and he is still paying it back. Of course, I am scared to leave before he pays it all back, but I am so tired. Yes, I think that he will continue to pay the loan back, but I feel like he has a stronghold over me. In the past when I have left, our emotions got the best of both of us; I really do love this man. But I nag all the time because I am so insecure. Please advise. L.
Answer: Dear L. No one can save you from yourself. If you are willing to accept the crumbs from this man’s table and you are one big happy family, why are you miserable?
You say that you are “so done with it” and in the same breath you say you are stuck. Done isn’t stuck. Done is done.
Being physically attracted to someone you don’t respect is one definition of love, I suppose…but where is your self-respect? Is your inaction really about money? Do you value it more than you value yourself?
It is possible to live your life in hopelessness and discontent but they are still decisions. Of course you nag and of course you are insecure, what else would you expect when you are drifting around in chaos? What kind of role model are you for the kids involved? What’s the point? Blessings, Luise