New Relationship Full of Problems

Question: Dear Luise: My boyfriend of less than two months is 30 years old. We live in different towns some distance apart. He has 5 siblings and has to take care of the 2 younger ones after his mother’s death 5 months ago. I understand it is a great loss to get over. I lost my father, too, so I know how it feels. I also know people deal with loss differently, but life goes on. The problem is that he no longer communicates with me very well. He doesn’t behave affectionately towards me anymore yet when I tell him how I feel he says we are fine and nothing has changed. I even ask myself if he is just afraid to tell me it is over. CONFUSED

Answer: Dear Confused: You may have found yourself a really nice guy but it must be becoming painfully clear to you that he’s not very available at this time. Two months is just the “beginning of the beginning” when you are looking at a possible relationship and you are already in serious trouble.

It’s often pretty hard to tell when a person is under that kind of pressure whether he is just overcome by it or is losing interest in you. It might even be both. Either way, if he has so little time and energy for activities outside of his current responsibilities, it certainly isn’t in your best interest to pursue it further. You may have been more of a temporary distraction than a new direction in his life. Whatever it was, it isn’t working…especially for you.

I would suggest that you look elsewhere for romance. Again, it’s not the right time for him and you have your own life to live. Don’t put it on hold. Let him know that you are moving on and wish him well. If he surprises you with a burst of attention, be cautious…it probably won’t last. It’s time to cut your losses and act in your own best interest.

In any new relationship timing isn’t everything but it sure does matter. Both people have to be available, not only by being single but by also being ready to put their combined energy into something new, and hopefully, promising. It can be a very unsatisfactory, one-way street to try to do all of the work your self.

Some people are so unavailable emotionally that they select another person with the same limitation. You don’t sound like that. I think you may have a lot to offer, if you just give your self the chance to meet someone who is ready. Blessings, Luise

4 Responses to New Relationship Full of Problems

  1. jovial November 16, 2006 at 4:19 am #

    Dear Luise
    Thank you for your advice, my relationship went from better to worse nothing changed i think like u said he is emotionally unavailable for me its true. after i sent that letter to you i kept on calling him although he kept on putting my calls on hold and he will say he will call me back because he is tired or he doesnt want to talk to me becuase he doent want to think he never did return those calls, i never gave up on him because i really wanted this to work and for him to know that im there for him he need someone to talk but all my efforts were never appreciated, then three weeks ago i decided to stop calling him because i thought maybe its his way of asking some space, then last week tuesday i was really missing him and i decided to call him but before i say anything he said he will call me back but never did, so on friday i decided to text him that he must tell me if he still wants us to be together or if he needs space or if wants to finish this off as i feel he had ignored me enough because i want to know if i should move on with my life, i told him to respond same day and he never responded to date. so i decided to take that it is over between us, do u think im being irrational about this? i mean texting was the only thing i can do as he doesnt want to talk to me. CONFUSED

  2. Luise November 29, 2006 at 5:22 pm #

    Answer: Dear Confused: He has ended it, long ago, and you haven’t. His silence is his answer. Some people talk with words and some talk in actions. It’s time for you to focus elsewhere and get on with your life. Anything is better than this! You deserve kindness. Make room for it to happen…but not with him. Blessings, Luise

  3. confused December 18, 2006 at 3:34 am #

    Thank you Luise for all the advices you have given me. I have moved on with all my life. Although I am not seeing anyone, I know I have peace within. It is nice having advice from someone who understands and responds objectively. It really helped me to understand some things about myself, and to put my life in a new perspective.

  4. Luise December 18, 2006 at 8:51 am #

    Answer: Dear Confused: Good for you!! You don’t even sound confused any longer and it’s probably very wise to not be seeing anyone for a while yet. Blessings, Luise

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